Claiming Space and Finding Courage with Eliza VanCort

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert, and bestselling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace. Hi, and welcome to True Grit and Grace. Today on the show, I have Eliza Vancourt, who was introduced to me by our mutual friend, Toy Sweeney. She is a speaker, a mentor. She empowers women. She's a mama, she is a space claimer, and in fact, she's got a brand new book that just came out and it's called A Women's Guide to Claiming Space. Stand tall, raise your voice, be heard. She's a powerhouse who has a heart of gold. She's the real deal on and off air. She is the real deal. She's helped me get through some things as well with the TED Talk stuff. We'll get to all that. But anyway, welcome to the show. I've been so excited to get to talk with you and thank you for being here.

I am so excited to be here. Thank you so much for having me and for that wonderful, generous introduction and shout out to our friend Toy, who we both love.

Yes, I love Toy. And in fact, I was freaking out over I was offered another TEDx event and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I don't know about this. And I think I need help because I'm just overwhelmed. And she introduced me to you and we didn't even know each other and you were like, let me help you with that. How can I help? And I was like, she is my kind of people. And so we got to know each other a little bit more. And then just the more I get to know you and know the struggles that you have overcome and just the kind of person you are. I am so excited to share a lot of your wisdom in your book. But first, I just want to talk a little about you, because when I think of you, I think of something that was highlighted from a podcast interview that I did on dropping bombs, which was I had said, when people are good to people, you attract good people and good things happen in your life. And I feel like, you know, you've got this wall for you that are listening on, on itunes or if you're listening to the podcast. You can't see it, but if you're watching here on YouTube, you see she's got a wall behind her of all her students that have graduated from her program, and just the love of the people that they have for you that you have helped them so much. But I want to talk a little bit about something that happened to you, where those people showed up for you in your life at a time when you were struggling. Because this podcast is really about struggles to success. And a lot of times, you know, it looks so glamorous on social media, and it looks so glamorous that you just had this new book come out and. But we don't see the struggles to success. And so I like to share a little bit about where you came from so you can. It gives people hope that they can get through those challenging times, too. So will you share a little bit about when those people showed up for you during a challenging time in your life?

Yeah. Yeah. And actually, my life started out in a very challenging way, and I had people show up and then you. With these folks we have. And when people graduate from our program, we have two walls in our green room, and they sign either one. And when I had a head injury, and I had a quite serious head injury, I was biking, I was riding my bicycle with my helmet, and somebody was texting and driving, which is so dangerous, and they ran into me, and I went up on the hood of their car, hit one side of my head, got ejected into the middle of an intersection, was unconscious, hit the other side of my head, and I woke up with a subdural hematoma and a bilateral brain injury. And I had a lot of time to think and learn because I was having trouble communicating and I was actually having trouble with my memory. So I would go to bed at night remembering my day, and I would wake up and my day would be gone, just gone. And every day I got a little more of the day back. But my sister from another mother, Katie Spallone, who is also beloved and on this wall, because she's a teacher here, she called all the people from our acting studio. And my ex husband did not cook a meal for, I think it was three months, we had people bringing meals. She made a whole schedule, and people were complaining they couldn't get on the schedule. I mean, it was the most. It was the most beautiful experience. And talk about giving, when we were talking before the idea of scarcity and how we're trying to avoid that model, there was a woman who Came to my house and brought me some food.

Yeah. And you guys, we were talking before we pushed record, and I was like, oh, wait, wait, wait. We got to push record. You're sharing. This is so good. We got to bring this to the light. So, yes, we were talking about this idea of a scarcity mindset versus an abundant mindset and what that does and what that looks like in the life. And so go, go ahead. You were.

Oh, yeah, yeah. So she came to my house and I said, I started crying and I said, I can't believe you did this to me. And I can't believe all these people are helping me. How am I ever going to pay them back? And she goes, well, I know what you can do for me. And I said, okay. And suddenly I was like, oh, what if I can't do it? I'm kind of disabled right now. She said, well, you can take my kids to the Y every day and you can then drive them to my house so that I can go to work and I can get all my work done after school and you can feed them pizza every Friday. And I was like, what are you talking about? Your kids are grown up. And she said, eliza, don't you remember when they were in elementary school, you did that for me? And I didn't even remember.

Wow.

I just remembered that, like, oh, yeah, I went to take my kids to swim class and I said, hey, can I take your kids? I know you're a single mom, but I wasn't thinking, I'm doing a thing. It just seems so obvious that she needed the support. And I think when you go through life with that feeling of abundance, and I remember she said, so now we're even. And it was just such a beautiful moment of sort of realizing that the scarcity mentality will make your life, as we said earlier, scarce. But if you go through life with a feeling of abundance, even in the hardest of times, you will have a community to raise you up.

Oh, it's so true. And I remember when I had my accident, I had. Our door was like a revolving door. It was never locked and people were just in out of the house when I got out of the hospital non stop. And to me, that was like, I felt like I needed my clients more than they needed me at that point. And so all these clients that I had had, that they had said, you know, I had done things for them, things that I didn't really think of. It was just something I was passionate about and I love doing that. They were coming to the house and bringing food. And I could not have gotten through our family could not have gotten through it without the of in support of friends and family who helped with my daughter, who was two years old at the time. And so it's amazing. Yes, I think that. And it also goes into the workforce, you know, like with our friend Toy, who was like, oh, you gotta meet my friend and have her on your show. And I met Toy because of our mutual friend Kim and who was on the show. And I think that when you introduce people to each other and you connect people in that way, and whenever I hear of a speaking opportunity, I'm like, oh, you know what? Thank you for hiring me for this speaking job. By the way, I have this girlfriend who's also an incredible speaker, I think should be great for the event. And I had someone, my good friend, Katherine Gordon, who's also been on the podcast. She said we. Wow, Amberly, you're the kind of person that's like, there's enough pie for everybody or something like that. I can't remember exactly what she said, and I never thought of it that way. But I do feel like there's enough to go around and we all get to shine our light at the time we're meant to shine. And the more we help others, it helps us. It makes even if we don't get. I help without any expectations, but it makes me feel good. So, so selfishly, I can say it makes me feel good to be able to do those things, but I think that there are not a lot of women that do that. What would you say to people to get more into that mindset of abundance versus the mindset of scarcity? How can someone start to shift their mindset into more of just being more of abundance? How can someone do that?

Well, I think sometimes it's hard to actually do a thing in terms of feeling it right. And I think there's this expectation in society, like, you have to be brave. How can someone be brave? Or how can you shift your mindset? I've always found that sometimes you have to do the action first, even if you're not feeling it. And what happens, the result is what will inspire you to do it more. So if you know you want to get out of a scarcity mentality, but you're still feeling this feeling, the best way I think to shift that is, is to start thinking, how can I do actions that are coming from a place of abundance? Even if it's a little scary, eventually it will come back to you. So it's similar to bravery. People say, well, how can I be brave? And I always say bravery is literally fear meets action. That's all that it is. And if we're waiting for that lack of fear, we're not going to do anything. So that's the first thing. The second thing is historically, and I actually write about this in my book, there is something that I call the scarcity myth. In my book, it is literally about how we have been trained to be in this scarcity mentality. Because historically, if power is a triangle, historically there hasn't been a lot of room for us at the top. And if you're a woman of color, there's been even less room. There's a feeling of tokenization, of if one of us goes in, the other one has to leave. The up and comer is thinking, I got to get this person out of here. And the person at the top is thinking, I can't let that person up.

Oh, that makes sense. Because I saw that when I was a dancer and it was actually one of the reasons I decided at a very young age that I was going to retire as a professional dancer. Age 25, I was like, at age 25, I am retiring from this because I want to finish like on the top of my game. And because coming in as an 18 year old newcomer in the dance industry and getting these jobs next to women that were 30, I could see they didn't like me. They were like, oh, she's the one that's going to be taking our job. And I never wanted to be like that. And so I was like, ah, I don't want to be like that. So I'm just going to finish strong. I'm going to finish when I'm at the top because I don't want to be pushed out. I don't want to end up feeling like them. And I didn't put that together until you just said that right now.

Yeah.

So that whole triangle of that, how do you shift that?

Well, I mean, think about the way I shift is think about how white men network. They are very different. Right. Because they are, they have a huge amount of power. There's more of them at the top. So what they do is I always say, you know, while we're, I call it fighting for your spot on the bottom. So while we're kind of fighting against each other, they're linking arms and networking and hiring each other. Right. And so we. And it works.

And I think more women are starting to do that.

I mean, I think so too.

I think so, yeah.

I mean, we've realized we can never literally get into the boys locker room

and who wants to?

And who wants to. But I have friends in corporate who say, yeah, I've done tons of deals in the boys locker room, in the men's locker room. We won't go in there. There are places we can't go or places we're not invited to go, and there's a lot of deals that are made there. There's a lot of business and networking. And. And for me, the only way we're going to actually come fully into our power is if we realize there are spaces for us as well and we can form our own networks. And so I think a lot of it is being very mindful about the fact that, as I say in my book, when we rise together, we really do rise so much higher. And that's the only way to rise, in my opinion.

So where do you think that women can do this kind of networking like men do, in the locker room or on the golf course? You know, golfing? Where do you think women do this?

Well, I mean, the first thing is actually all the research shows that women don't have as much leisure time because they are doing a disproportionate amount of domestic work.

Right.

So we can't do it as much. Right. So the first step is to have a conversation with your partner if you feel that's the case, and say, hey, I thought about how much I'm doing versus you, and I don't have as much time to network or hang out with friends. Which is really what networking is, in many ways, is just going and meeting other women and hanging out with them and making sure you're getting your fair share of leisure time. That's the first thing. And then the second thing is find things that you like. And that seems really simple. But so often we don't actually take the time to say, okay, I like these things. Let me find a group that does that and I'm going to hang out with them. So if you like volleyball, play volleyball. If you like knitting, form a knitting circle. But really form. Form groups around you and then do what you do, which was they call a super connector, which is somebody who connects people with other people. Because the more you do that, the more your kind of web of people who you've touched in a positive way expands. And that's really where people start to rise, is when they realize you connect people and are generous, you will actually rise right up with everyone you're connecting.

Oh, wow, that's A good point. And you know what? It makes me think I need to tell my husband how grateful I am for him because he has been very generous in starting to take over some of the chores at home. I mean, let me tell you, he reminds me, I'm doing your laundry, or I just did the dishes, and I'm like, as you should. But I'm actually going to a networking event this Saturday, which is really nice because a lot of times I go away or I do events, but I'm one of the speakers at the event, and I don't often get to go to an event to network. And so I'm excited about that. But I have to say, and this is. I'm taking it on that this is my. My feelings. But I have allowed. I'm allowing this, and I'm nipping it in the bud and I'm helping me to talk to you. But I was feeling a little guilty about. I just got back in town. I was teaching at a mastermind in another state, and I just got back, and here I'm leaving to go to another event, and I have, like, this guilt, like a feeling of guilt. Like, oh, here I go again. You know, I'm going away for work again. Do you get those feelings that. Or how would you suggest moms that are listening that want to do networking and they want to go join the volleyball club or the new gym or. Or play golf or whatever it is they do, but they feel guilt, guilty, like, oh, I want to, but I need to be home with a family. Or what would you suggest to them?

Well, I always say flip the script, which is put yourself in the position of if my. If. If you're married to Amanda, if my husband did this, would I be okay with it? And if he asked me to support him in this venture, would I be okay with it? And if he would. If you would be okay with it, then he should be okay with it. And it's really simple. And I think so much of the time we give more, and then we feel bad when we're not giving 60 or 70%, when really 50% is enough. And flipping the script can be so useful. It can be useful in every aspect of your working life. I mean, I have a really funny story in my book that I talk about where in my very first gig, I did not know what to charge. I had no idea. And I called up my mentor, and I was like, I don't know what to charge. I don't know what to charge. And I started telling him about the gig and he said, wait, I already know what you're going to charge. And I said, how can you possibly know what I'm going to charge? I haven't even told you what I'm doing. And he's an African American man. And he said, whenever I don't know what to charge, I sit down, I close my eyes, and I ask myself, if I were a white man, what would I charge? And that's what I charge. And it's usually more because I'm used to being undervalued. So I. And it was really interesting. And so now we have a joke like, what would a white man charge?

Wow.

Well, it really does make a difference.

Wow, that's. That is interesting. And you know, you know what I've actually done before as well? The very first gig that I got asked to speak at, they. I had an interview and they're like, well, what's your speaking fee? And I was like, I just shot back. It just came out of my mouth because I had no idea what my speaking fee was. I didn't have an agent yet. I did. I was like, I don't know. I was like, well, what's your budget? I said, what's your budget? And I was like, oh, my gosh, you know, I didn't know. And you learn. You learn as you go. But I think I need to try that. I have often thought things like, well, what would, you know? Because I have, like, people that I really admire, you know, authors I really admire. Like, I really admire Brene Brown and the work that she does and the author that she is in, the speaker that she is. And I've often thought, well, what would Brene Brown do? You know? Right.

The other thing.

It helps.

Yeah. Finding powerful women who are role models who are not afraid to ask for what they are worth and saying, okay, so if they're doing that, then I can ask for my worth as well. And I can. I don't need to be undervalued and kind of look, I mean, there are women that I really look up to, and I flip the script with them sometimes as well. They unapologetically ask for what they are worth, and they get it. And I have found that people will give you as much as they think you expect you deserve and no more.

Wow. Can you just say that again?

People will give you as much as they expect you think you deserve.

So it comes down to how much do you believe that you are worth being paid or you're, you know, what. What is that job title that you're worth having. How do you think that people start to believe in themselves a little bit more?

Well, again, this goes back to my ideas about bravery. I really do think that often what it takes is doing the thing and not worrying. If there's an imposter in you that's saying you shouldn't do this, just do it anyway. Even if you're afraid. I mean, if there's. I always talk about how there's a man who's running or a woman running into the field. They always say that's bravery and they have a sword. And I'm thinking that's bravery if they're afraid. If they're not afraid, then they're just nuts because they're like going into a big battle with lots of sharp things. Right. That's not bravery. That's kind of crazy, right? So bravery is they're running in and they're scared to death, but they're running in anyway. And I think that is how we model these things. We don't always have to have. I hear so much of the time women or clients say, well, how can I get to the point where I feel emotionally ready to start a business and I'm not afraid then I always say, then you're never going to start it because starting a business is scary. It's very scary. Something about fear, I think is one of the most powerful things we have. Fear is there to tell us something is important to us. And if you're feeling fear, that means this is important to me. I need to do this anyway. Even though I'm afraid not, I'm going to work through my fear because most things that are really important are a little scary and you're always going to have some fear there.

Yeah. And I think that, you know, a lot of times people think that, you know, you, even if you get on stage and you. So I had a friend of mine, Greg Reed, that was like, oh. And I'd known him for a while and I guess he one day decided to watch my interview on the Today show and he was like, wow, you looked very confident. And I said I was scared to death. He goes, then we call that controlled enthusiasm and controlled, you know, and confidence and. But it was scary. But for me, I always think about, well, yes, it's scary, but I do some push ups, I pray and I remember my why. And it's not about me, it's about the people that I serve and that's what helps me get through. It takes me and my ego out of it because most of the Time when we're afraid or we have this fear, it's because we're afraid to look stupid or silly, or we're afraid of being a failure. And I'm like, you know, I need to start failing more. I need to. If I'm not failing, I'm not trying enough new things. And I think that we got to get out there and just do it scared. And you're right. We may Never fail. Feel 100% ready. We just have to do it. And, you know, I'm guilty of starting things too early or not knowing enough. But I tell you what I learned from my mistakes. I don't forget them.

Exactly. Everything I've ever done in my life that was important to me was also scary.

Well, I mean, talk about scary. It's scary writing a book and putting everything out there, like, okay, here's my book. How long did it take you to write your book?

I'm a pretty fast writer, so I think it took me before I got. So I wrote about two thirds, maybe a third of it. I don't know. I can't even remember. But I wrote a good chunk of it before I met the publisher, who actually said, yes, we're going to go with this book. Then I had to write the rest of it. So I would say, in total, maybe about a year.

Okay. I'm always amazed when I talk to people and they're like, oh, it just poured out of me, and I wrote it in 30 days. And I'm like, really?

No, it. Like, I.

It. For me, it was blood, sweat, and tears. Like, I poured my heart and soul into my book. And so I'm glad to hear it took you about a year or two. And I can't wait to read it. I mean, we're recording this right when your book came out. So I should have my book any day. And I can't wait to talk about some of the things in the book because you really empower women in their professional life and in their personal life, too. But what exactly do you mean about claiming space?

Well, claiming space is living your life, the life of your choosing, unapologetically and bravely. And what I found after my accident, because I was having so much trouble communicating and I really had to break down the code of communication, is that there were five aspects. Just generally that if women possessed those and were mindful about them, they were living fuller, richer lives. And I just watched women and watched, and I thought, wow, this is consistent. And then afterwards, I started doing talks on communication. And this is you're going to laugh. But women would follow me to the bathroom and they would say, I want to ask a question. I didn't want to say it in Q and A, but. And I almost called the book Conversations in the bathroom because all of the things people asked me could fall into those five aspects of claiming space. And so that really formed the structure of the book.

So I'm dying to know, what are some of the aspects of claiming space?

So the five aspects are, number one, your physicality and your voice. So, for example, you're a dancer. So I can tell there are parts of this book that you're going to say, I already have this. And I actually say that in the introduction. Read it the way it works for you. If you already know something, you don't need to read it. Go to the next thing. It's a guidebook. So physicality and voice is the first. For example, use of silence. The second one is what we've been talking about is claiming space. Collaboratively. Women who approach life from a place of abundance and have a strong network do much better. The third thing is never cede your space. I'm a nerd, so I'm really into superheroes.

I love that.

So be careful of your emotional kryptonite. You know, for example, imposter syndrome or letting words silence you. All of those things. Be careful of anti mentors. And then the next.

Wait, wait. What do you mean about be careful of anti mentors?

Well, anti mentors I talk about in the second part, which is really keeping them out of your network. But their voices can be the thing that make us seed space. And anti mentors are that person who, because of their position in your life, should be the person that just raises you up. But instead, it's like Lucy and Charlie Brown in the football. You're like, this time you're not going to pull it. Right. You're not going to pull it. And they pull it every time. And you're on your back and is learning how to get those people out of your network or learning how to mitigate the emotional damage that they do. Anti mentors can take you right down. They can take you right down. And so we talk a lot about that and how to handle the fact that. That they are emotional snipers.

Yeah. And you know what? I think we all. Every. I'm sure every single person listening to this right now is like, yeah, I've got those. And how do I set boundaries to get those people out of my life or put time limits with them or just keep them From. From stealing your joy. That's what I kind of feel like it does, is it just kind of. And I don't know why they're like that if it's. But yeah. Do you go into detail in the book about how to place boundaries, healthy

boundaries for them, clear boundaries, and how to handle your anti mentors step by step? I mean, each section starts with a global idea, but then it's all how to, how to. And the anti mentor chapter is one of the most sought after chapters. Whenever I talk to people, they say, I gotta ask you a question about this because everybody has experienced it. I actually had a reporter come to interview me and break down and cry recently. And she said, I realized reading this book, my big sister is my anti mentor. And I never put it all together.

Wow.

She said, this has helped me so much. So that's been a really beautiful thing for me. And then the fourth one is never let someone take your space. So that's things like microaggression, sexual harassment, mansplaining, interruptions, all those things that we deal with as women. And the final one is claiming space intersectionally. And what I mean by that is women who hung out with women who were different than them, who had different values, maybe even, for example, you are Christian. I am not. Right. Like, but I can learn from you and that part of you, because that's not me, that's not my background. So that, or if you're white, you know, hang out with women of color or whatever, you know, whatever it is, finding people who are different. And if you do that, it actually expands you as a person and it makes you a more full, self actualized person. And the relationships you build are so special because it's a learning relationship. And so those five things are the five ways. And women who were mindful about all of those five things, they were unstoppable women.

Wow. And you know, I love that because I think when we continue to learn, we continue to grow, it makes life more interesting. I can't wait to read that. And I think we need now more than ever to claim space because I see it a lot in speaking events. I do. I remember I did this one event that was all about evolving and transformation. And they had a panel and there were several other speakers at the event. Mel Robbins was one of the other speakers and their panel was all white men. Like, really? How about having some women up on that panel? Or, you know, a little diversity something. I actually said something about it. I was like, you know, and I was this. I was Very new into speaking when this happened. And I was like, do I say something? Do I not? And I was like, I couldn't not say something, and I said something. So then they came up with a different kind of event, and it was a women's event. And I'm like, well, can we just have another regular event and just do the panel? But, you know, I mean, it's great we're having a women's event, you know, And I was glad they asked me back, because you never know. You never know. I think sometimes when you. You stand up and you raise your hand or you raise your voice, there's always a chance that. I mean, I had a situation. Situation recently where I had to stand up. It was very uncomfortable. And I wonder if something similar has ever happened like this in this company. I. I don't want to say anything, but I said something about it, that it was not right. It was so wrong. I think it falls under number four of your five characteristics. And I was like, this is so wrong. And I can't work with a company that treats people like this. And peace out. And I got a refund. I mean, I was investing a lot of money with doing business, and I got a refund, and it was so hard. And there was that part of me that was like, well, I may have just. Now we're in this cancel culture. I may have just canceled myself out. You know, I may have just. I may have screwed up royally. And do you hear that a lot where women are afraid to say something because they're afraid of the reputation that it may give her, like, oh, she's just too difficult to work with, or, oh, she's just a bitch, or, oh, she's trouble, or whatever you think that they may say. Do you hear of other women that. That kind of fear?

I have a chapter in my book, actually, called. I mean, it's so Funny. The book comes from all these experiences. So whenever people talk to me, I'm like, indeed, I have a chapter. But I do have a chapter. It's called Crazy Feminist Bitch. And it's about, hello. And it's literally about how those words are big words that are umbrella words for all of these other words that are related. So crazy is hysterical, emotional. You know, bitches, angry, strident, aggressive, feminist is, you know, militant. All these, you know, there's all these words that they use to kind of try to shut you down. And I talk about how those words are so powerful that when we fear them so much, that we will do behaviors to avoid Them, and that's why they work. But if we no longer let that word silence us, if someone said, I mean, every time I hear a story about a woman being called a bitch, she's almost always a woman with a strong opinion that people don't like, that some man often doesn't like. And even women will say, that woman's a bitch. And I always say, find another word, because that is a silencing word. You can say, that woman's very difficult to work with. But bitch is specific to women, and it's talking about strong women, and we need to stop putting those labels on strong women. I think the other thing, though, to your point, is that one, we fear the real retribution. And historically, people could fire you for things that now they can't. But the other piece is we have been taught not to trust our compass. We have literally been taught to have a feeling and then say, maybe I shouldn't listen to that. And women have been taught so much more than men. And the example I give is, you know, when I was little, I was hanging with a little boy, and we were.

We were.

We were just playing. I wanted to marry him. He was so cute. Really wanted to marry him. And he hauled off and punched me. And so I started on the shoulder. I was so mad. I ran to his mom's house. He's chasing me. I'm yelling his mom's name. She comes out on the front porch, and I'm crying, and I'm like, he hit me. And she says to me, and you may have had this experience, oh, Eliza, he hit you because he likes you. And suddenly I thought, oh, wait, what? And he looked confused, and I looked confused. And suddenly our mental gymnastics kind of shifted. And I thought, oh, okay. It's okay for a boy to hit me as long as he likes me. I mean, what a message to send to a young girl, right? It just.

It honestly angers me. I think that that's starting to change more. But it's like, no, why did people say that?

But we still do it in other ways. For example, when the parent says, go kiss Uncle Bob. Go give Uncle Bob a kiss. And the little kid goes, I don't want to. And everyone gets embarrassed for themselves. Not like, oh, I'm sorry I told you to kiss someone you didn't want to. I'm sorry I told you to do something. And so the adult says, don't be rude. Go kiss Uncle Bob.

Yeah.

And you do. And from that moment, you learn, my gut not only shouldn't be trusted, but it's embarrassing and wrong.

Oh, yeah. I mean, and this is just. It's been a long process of me and I'm still learning, still learning to trust my gut because I grew up, I was sexually abused by my stepfather and some. I mean, and the emotional abuse that he would say. He used to call me, you crazy feminist, you liberal. I didn't even know what that meant back then. I was a little kid, but I was always different. I was. I think I was always different. And then when he was abusing me sexually and I knew, this isn't right. And this is. And he said, no, this is what, this is what dads do. This is how they teach their children. And being eight years old, my gut was. He was telling me my gut was wrong. And everything that I would say or speak up or. Then when I finally asked my real dad for help and he didn't do anything, it was like, well, I'm not worthy. Like, all these things that were taught at a young age and we have to somehow uncover, learn them. And I think one of the ways that has helped me the most, besides a lot of therapy, self help books, is being connected with strong, passionate, inspired women like you. Women who lift each other up and they show you the way and they show you that, no, of course that's not right. Because when this happened with this company that I ended up cutting ties with, it did not sit right. And I actually called on a couple of my female best friends and I was like, okay, maybe I'm overreacting, but if this happened to you, and they were like, what? That is so wrong. And so I think it's so important to surround yourself with women who get it and they can say, no, you trust your gut on that one. They help you trust your gut because they're trusting their gut. Right. And so I. Oh, I'm so excited. Even more now to read your book. I cannot wait to read it. I know that it's changing lives just by you sharing your experience. And also I know that you are doing this crazy, like such, such a busy media tour. And I appreciate you taking the time to be on the podcast and share some of the tips with us. Before we go, I just wanted to ask you a couple of more questions. What are some ways? Because I think it's important to get women's voices out there more than ever. What are some ways? I know so many people that they want to become speakers or they want to get their voice out there more. What would you suggest they do to start using their voice? In a more powerful, positive way.

Absolutely. I think the first thing is make sure that it's not that you want to become a speaker. Make sure that it's. You want to talk about something that matters to you because.

Amen. Like what? Yeah. What's your why?

Right, exactly. And if you really find something that matters to you, people will feel that if you just want to be famous or you want to go out, never work. So that's the first thing. And then the second thing is understand, you know, although you are worth a lot, your first gig, you may not be. The first gig I ever did was at Cornell University for $250 and a year later there was a zero after that number and a year, you know, and so it really, you have to understand, you do have to build your way up. So call on the women you know, and even volunteer so you can get stuff on your resume. Hey, can I go speak to your group about this thing that I really understand and I am a subject matter expert and I care about it. And eventually, if you're doing a good, first of all, you'll fail in this low stakes, which is great because you do want to fail. And as you said earlier, I actually want to tattoo on my arm what you said earlier. If I'm not failing, I'm not trying enough or something to that effect. It was just so on point. And so go out, fail, learn, and then slowly just build up and make sure you are connecting other women with other women. Because I'm telling you, the more you help other women in this process, the more you will rise and the more quickly you will rise.

Amen to that. Well, congratulations, by the way, on your book being a best seller. I'm so, I'm so happy for you. And you guys grab her book, check her out, tell us the best place where people can find out about your upcoming speaking events or how they can coach with you or get your book.

Well, the easiest way is to go to my website, which is elizavancourt.com everything will be there. But I also love, and we're actually creating a really cool community of people to talk about these issues. We don't have the page yet, but if you sign up for my listserv, it is going to be up there. And we're just making this wonderful interactive safe space, which I'm super excited about. And the other thing is I love hearing from people. I love it when people say I read your book, but I have a question, so feel free to reach out to me on LinkedIn. Feel free to reach out to me as a friend on Facebook because I shut down my business page because it was. I just was not able to maintain both. And so.

Yeah. Okay, well, before we go, why did you shut down? This is a question that I, before I went to bed last night, popped in my head. Okay, so before we go, why. Why did you decide to shut down your business page? Because I find it very confused, confusing for people. I do a big gig, and they tag me on my personal page, which is Amberly, my maiden name, and my last name, and it's pictures of, like, my dog and me and my husband, and it's not professional. Then I have my business page. I mean, it is.

It's.

It's my family. It's not that it's not professional. It's just. It's. It's my family. And then I have my business page, which is more the podcast and events and inspirational messages or posts or quotes, and it's confusing. People don't find my business page. Did you have a business page with your same name?

I sure did. And nobody went to it because one of them had a huge following and the other had not huge, but a strong following and really engaged people. And that was my personal page, my League of Superheroes, Wonderful Humans in my life. And the other one was a business page that nobody would go to. And so eventually I thought, I don't want people going here because it looks like I'm not really doing anything and, you know, no one's engaging in it anyway. So I just thought, you know, forget it.

Well, you kind of have to pay to play on your business page. They want you to do sponsored ads and stuff. But the reason I have a business page is because I can connect my Instagram to my business page. I can share posts there, although they don't really like that much. Facebook, they like it to be native to there. But I like being able to do ads and check your insights. But it's so crazy that you brought that up, because I was just going to bed last night because I just spoke at this Mastermind, and all 35 women are posted or tagging me on my personal page. And I'm like, I'm never on my personal page. I'm on my business page. And so I was like, gosh, I've never asked that question. What do you do in that search? So do you miss having a business page?

Well, I think that it might be wise for me to eventually get one because of advertisements, frankly, you know, just boosting posts. But my community was really what made me catapult to number one on the bestseller list because they just went out and bought the book and told their friends about the book. I did a pre launch book club and they just spread the word. And so for me, you know, it's hard to then say, hey, pay attention to this other page as well because people have a personal connection to me. So I'm, I'm kind of going back and forth on that one and that's tough.

I mean, you know what, you're going to be everywhere. And so pretty soon you can only have 5,000 friends right on Facebook. If you have a business page, your numbers are limitless, right?

Yeah. I am going to have to break down. I've been told this.

Well, it's a, it's a lot believe when I published my book I had no backup. I was, it was just me and a dream and I didn't have an assistant, I didn't have anybody to help with anything. And I had no idea when I was on national TV that middle America was still primarily on Facebook. And so my Facebook was like flooded with messengers. My email got flat, which was all a good quality problem. But I just wasn't prepared for it and so I was blown away. I had no idea. But yeah, it's a lot to keep up with social media for sure. And just the fact that you took time to be here on the show and you guys, if you're listening while you're working out, don't worry, you can find in the show notes all of her links and say your Website Again,

it's elizavancourt.com and everybody puts a U in court but there's no U V A N C O R T. Thank

you for saying that. All the notes and the link to Amazon to get your book will be in the show notes and it'll be right here. If you're watching this on YouTube, you can find it right here in the comments. Sometimes I put it on LinkedIn and all social media, but I just, I love the message that you're getting out there into the world and that you're empowering women. I'm so glad and so grateful that our friend Toy introduced us and I look forward to getting to know you more and more and more. And I just. There's so much we didn't even get to. So I'm going to have to have you back on the show because I feel like we could talk about more. So much more. But thank you so much for being here.

Oh, this was delightful. Yeah, we were talking in the beginning and you said wait, we should probably turn it on and such a delight. Thank you so much.

Thank you. And you guys, if there's one part or any parts of the episode that really resonated with you, take a screenshot and share it on your social media and tag us. We would really love to see that and share it or just thank you for sharing it. So thanks for listening to True Grit and Grace and we'll see you next time. Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Grit and Grace Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends. That would help too. If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to Amberly Lago.com and jump on it. While you're there you can grab a free downloadable gratitude journal. And you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next week.