Building the Best Family Bonds with Jim & Jamie Sheils

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your passion and fuel your purpose.

I am so proud to say this is episode of True Grit and Grace is brought to you by Nootopia and I've been excited to share more about this incredible company and their brain boosting, life changing products. Look, being a mom is a full time job and if you're a working mom like me, life can get demanding. It is easy to feel exhausted, burnout. Maybe you even feel like you're taken for granted and you just don't have any more to give.

Well, I'm happy to say there's a

way to reclaim your sanity and feel like you're in control again. Some of the world's smartest moms are turning to Nootopia. It's a company that makes special plant based brain formulas that fight brain fog, enhance cognitive function and boost energy levels. And I know that's what I need for sure. And the best thing, Nootopia offers variety of formulas that are customized precisely for you based on your strengths, weaknesses and your goals. You're going to get exactly what you need and taking the right formulas at the right time can help you reduce stress and anxiety and you can focus intensely. You're going to be able to block out distractions, tap into your creativity and so much more. You'll seriously be amazed how quickly they work. You're going to feel the mental effects within 15 to 30 minutes. So let me ask you something. What would it be worth to finally feel human again? To feel like you're in control and in a good emotional place? Seriously, all Nootopia formulas are a total game changer. Especially if you have a busy life with a lot of things going on like me. So get this. It comes with a full one year guarantee so there's zero risk for you to try them out. Seriously y'?

All?

A one year guarantee? Come on now. It is time to upgrade your brain and take control of your life. So Simply go to nootopia.com AmberLee and use Amberly to get a 10% off again that is. Nootopia.com Amberly N double O T O P I A dot com A M B E R L Y that link is also in the show notes. Make sure you use special code Amberly to get that discount. And now let's get on to the show and enjoy the episode. Of True Grit and Grace.

Hey, thank you all so much for tuning in. I'm Amberly Lago and I appreciate you listening to True Grit and Grace. I've been looking forward to this episode for months now. I've got Jim and Jamie Shields of 18 Summers with us and I have to tell you, their book really shifted, changed my life and how I spend my time. Jim is the best selling author of the family board meeting. It's a number one bestseller on Amazon. They're the founder of 18 Summers and they reach families and organizations around the world, helping them discover the benefits of quality time and enduring relationships. And I'm excited to have y' all here. Thank you for joining us today on the True Grit and Grace show.

Thank you for being here.

Thank you.

Good to be here, Amber. Thank you.

Oh, I've been looking forward to this. And our mutual friend Tim story is the one who connected us. And I was like, well, Tim, any friend of yours is a friend of mine. And then I really, like started digging into your book and your work and watching your videos. And I was just saying before we started recording that, you know, I had a heartfelt teary eyed conversation with my daughter the other day in the car and she's like, mom, I had spent all morning with her at the barn washing her horse, but then I had to be somewhere for a meeting afterwards. And she's like, mom, you never spend a whole entire day with me. And she was crying. And I think there's such a need for that time of being present with your family, of building those relationships. And so I can't wait to get some advice and some tips for what you guys suggest on how to find that alignment. First of all, you'll have a brand new baby. So congratulations on your newborn. But I want to know how you guys met. And because you come, you brought a family together. How did y' all meet?

Well, we were. It was actually by chance. Yeah, we.

Nothing's really by chance.

Nothing's by chance because we were circling around each other like he had knowing

people, but we didn't know each other.

There was no introduction. The bottom line is Jamie was with a group of family for her birthday about 11 years ago. Was out at what I would consider this little brew pub. Like a bad wedding. You know, there's a band playing and there's a range of people. And I had never been in. I literally walked in after having dinner with a buddy of mine and he said, go in, let's go in. I heard this is a nice place. And There I saw her across the room and there was always a joke of who was I and who you know, but.

And y', all, she's stunning. If you're listening, you gotta check her out on YouTube, on the YouTube channel. She's gorgeous.

Yes, it's pretty obvious who is I and who. But that's the joke argument I try to start. And I walked up and if you knew Amberly, my skills with technology, you'd know this was not my best move. But I said, oh, you want. You're trying to take a picture. It was her and her friend. Let me take a picture of you guys. So I did the cold call and obviously the picture never even came out, but I did the cold call, walked right up to her, almost her entire family because they were there for. On her birthday. So it was quite the cold call for me. And I just.

You just jumped right on in. You're like, here's my chance. Let me take a picture of her. Here's her family. I'm going to get in good with the family.

Yep.

And I'm socially awkward. So I introduced him to my entire family. Even though I had just met and it really was like a three minute situation. A song that I loved came on and I had a tambourine for my birthday and I was like, I gotta go. This is my song. Well, it's really great.

Well, what was the song?

It was probably Brown Eyed Girl. My mom always sang to me. Yeah. And what was interesting is that he shared with me his heart and vision. When I asked him somehow, I mean, it was a super fast conversation, but he mentioned this concept of 18 summers. It didn't really have a name and it didn't have a shape and it didn't have a. But he just kind of like blurted out that he did this thing and that's how I programmed him into my phone. It was like Jim experiential retreat. It was like some long explanation of who Jim was. And it was really interesting because in hindsight, he says, you know, I have never told that to anybody before. And honestly, he couldn't have built this brand without us all becoming a fan. It's just really interesting and intuitive and there was just something about him that was insanely familiar and spiritual and it was just. It was incredible. And we've spoken every day since then.

You know, I feel like when you meet someone like that, I always think of it as. It feels like home to me. Safety is. I need a relationship to feel safe, that I can be myself, I can share vulnerably and it just feels good. And so I always say when I meet someone and it feels like that, I always say, oh, it feels like home, you know, And. And so you guys had that instant feels like home kind of connection. But then you have a blended family, so how many kids do each of you have? And then how many do you have together?

That was another interesting part too, because he said on his way home that night, he was like, I think she has children. Oh, she has children. Keep an open mind. Keep an open mind because he didn't date women with children.

Neither did my ex. My. My husband was like, ooh, she has an ex husband. Oh, she's got a kid. I don't know. I don't know if I can date her.

But this is a good part of the story. So I could tell. Here's a couple of things that's important. I could tell she was not used to being in a bar. And she had a very innocent pureness to her. And she was talking to me about the preschool she ran. It was very. And I said, wow, like, I got per chance to meet someone out there that normally wouldn't be there. And she's with her whole family. And let's fast forward about 14 months into dating. On August 17, we go down for an overnight away down beautiful spot in South Florida, and we walk the beach with a glass of wine. I hand her this piece of paper and I say, hey, I wrote you this letter nine years ago.

I don't know if you said nine years ago. There was a date on the paper. And I was like, wait, what?

It was the day I said, I wrote you this nine years ago. Said, we've only been dating a little over a year. I said, yeah, but read it. And the story was that I had written this note nine years earlier. I had gone on a day date. I don't remember who it was, what it was. It was just literally my famous word. How was that date? And I went. And I was the king of, you know. And I went home. I said, well, you always say, oh, what are you looking for? And I wrote out on one page of paper exactly what I was looking for. And I handed her this sheet of paper, and it's her to a T. I mean, everything to looks, to who she was, what she was involved with, her values, her experience. And the one thing I didn't know on there, as though I said it verbally, was, well, she had kids. And I had always said, I don't really. I avoid that. I think it's too messy. But I didn't have that. So there was definitely a clear.

God has a good sense of humor.

But when I hand her this piece of paper, she starts crying because when you read it, people are like, oh my gosh, that's your wife to a T. And I got on a knee and I proposed right there.

So it was a pretty wow.

So, yeah, so that tells you that I had that. But that actually formed with it because Jamie, you know, as we talk about openly we have, we always share our story. Here's the busy entrepreneur that almost went bankrupt in the 08 meltdown, rebuilding two businesses. And she was going through her own meltdowns where she, you know, married young and got into a very bad situation, alcohol abuse, stood up for herself, got full custody's two beautiful little boys. And I met her a few short years later and the boys were starving for that, just like any little boy. And James, I never realized that, said, well, my dad, my dad, I mean, I remember being the little kid doing that. It just kind of fell into place. And the boys and I hit it off famously right away. But there were some trust issues, rightfully so. And that was kind of the unfolding of our story.

So we have two boys that I brought to the family, two together, and then our fifth is adopted externally.

Oh, that's beautiful. And I, you know, I remember my first big day out, which seemed very soon with my husband. He took me out for my birthday and I had my oldest daughter with. I was like, well, she's going to be with me on my birthday. And I remember the waiter came over to the table and said, oh, is this your wife and is this your daughter? And I could see the look on his face was just like. It hit him, like, I'm not ready for this. Like a kid, like. And that night when he dropped me off, I knew. I was like, I think he just broke up with me. And sure enough, the next morning, he called and he was like, yeah, you know, this just didn't gonna work out. And he didn't give me an exact reason. It's not gonna work out. Well, the following day he came back to me. He's gonna be upset if he hears this interview. But he was crying, wanting me to come back. And I'm like, you know what? You figure your stuff out. When you get it all figured out, then you come back and you. But look, it's been almost 20 years now and we're together, we have a daughter together, but it is a lot when you have, you know, a And I'm sure that has inspired you, especially with the work that you do, being an entrepreneur, doing your business. What was the turning point that made you think of 18 summers? Like, that's all I've got. That's all I have with these kids, like 18. Because when you hear that 18 summers, it quickly makes you realize how important every moment that you have with your kids is for me, it did.

Anyway.

What was it that clicked for you, that made you realize that? Were you burn out working a lot or was there a lot of turmoil in the family? What was the big turning point?

So our point was just coming together as a family. You know, my boys were 5 and 7 and, you know, Jim's entering their life as he said, you know, they had some seen and experienced a lot of terrible things. And so to be in a place to where they would be open and available to a man coming into their life was not likely and. But they really were. What was beautiful about us coming together was that the boys never knew who he was there to see. Like, they really thought Jim was their friend and not mine, so. And that was once he met them, which it took quite a while. I was very hesitant. We would make plans and I would be like, oh, maybe not tomorrow. And then I would keep canceling, canceling these like group dates. So it took quite a while before we did. But once we broke that seal, like, gosh, they just loved and adored him. But it was a big role to step into and just to become a family and a blended family. Jim really wanted to reach them, really wanted to connect with them. I really wanted to support through that. And so when we realized, well, we're already starting as a family behind the starting line, and not just in time, but also in, you know, trauma and in all of those things that came before Jim. And so it just really, 18 summers was a reminder that our time is limited and ours felt extra limited.

Yeah, we started to share our story. Just, I did not want to do this. I was a real estate investor. I had started to work with family some, you know, because I was young. I was young when I first got in. So I was like the fun uncle. People would come to me and say, oh, could you talk to my team? Because you're between the age. So I had this intermediary position already with a lot of entrepreneur circles when I started to share my own story, saying, I'm going with these little boys and there's been these issues, and it's amazing how we're blending. People said, tell us more Tell us more. And I started to share our story. And I remember a mentor of mine came to me and he said, man, this is so important, what you're doing. Keep sharing this. And I just want to remind you, you got 18 summers to do this. He's like, my kids. My daughters are my daughters. I love them, but they're grown now, and it's different. I'm letting you know, take hold, because you do those first 18, right, man, they're going to come back for more. But those first 18 can be magic. And all I could think Amberly was, well, oh, shit, 18 minus 7, 18 minus 5. I'm already behind here. I missed the first seven. I missed the first five. And that sounds sad. It was a little bit for me to feel that, but I'm like, well, man, I'm going to make a hell of a good time. We are going to go all in with this, with this thing. And so that math equation really sat in the back of our head. And that sense of adventure, it caused, that sense of camaraderie, that sense of valuing the time. We've got it. It kept us on track.

And hopefully it just. It makes me, like, emotional hearing that. I mean, because it is like when you say, oh, shoot, I'm already behind. Like, I missed seven years. I missed five years because, like, after my motorcycle accident, where there were, like, four good years that were just, like, wiped out, where I was in and out of surgery and so drugged up and, you know, in the hospital, away from my kids. When I was in icu, thankfully, I had incredible nurses that I made friends with, and they would, like, make sure the hallway was clear and sneak my kids in so they could see me. But it felt like stolen time. And I was just telling somebody the other day, I feel like sometimes I want to make up for lost time. Like, I just want to do so much, you know? Yesterday I was at the barn with my daughter. We were giving her a horse, a bath. Then I was at my niece's dance competition. Then a friend from LA came to visit me, so I had dinner with her. But all the different things you want to do, it's like, time is so precious, but there is something powerful when you actually put that number. And if you do those first 18, they'll want to come back.

That intention, it does.

It really does. So how old are your kids?

18 to six weeks.

18 to six weeks and one in

the 19th summer, I guess. But you know what's so great is if you. We always say, if you do those 18 summers. Like, you know, time is fleeting. Yes. However, they'll always want to come home if they know it's, you know, Taco Tuesday on Tuesdays and pancakes on Sundays. And at Christmas, mom wraps all the stocking stuffers and puts them in the stocking or. I know my friends are always welcome to come home when I'm on break from college. Whatever those rhythms or islands of consistency, those things that they got to know you for over those years, they'll always return back for it.

And it is interesting because my oldest, who's been, you know, been away for years now, well, she's going to college at Yale, studying medicine, so she gets super, super busy with her studies, but she does want to come home. And it's mostly for the stockings at Christmas because we're being interviewed for a

book that we're going to be a part of, a parenting book. And they asked the question, what is your proudest accomplishment with your kids? And we both were like, well, that they still want to hang out with us. It was pretty simple. We said, that feels really good that they want to hang out with us. In a deeper conversation. Yeah, we're the friend house. So that something went right there. Something went right there. And that's where, like, well, the fact they still want to be around us is a pretty good feeling.

Oh, it is. But. Okay. So I want to ask, though, when you are building a business or scaling your business or just starting out or you have a successful business, but it does take a lot of hours, what do you do or suggest to people that have, like, really busy work lives and they want to spend more time with their kids and their family? What are some things that they can do to set up those quality times and build the relationship so their kids do want to come home.

Yeah, that's a great question. We also get this question a lot from single parents or divorced dads. You know, any of us that have what feels like extra limited time or momentary time, I guess it's just making the most of the time that you do have. So whether you're just hearing this concept and they're 17 or they're one year old, but you only see them every other weekend or however you're running a big company, as you mentioned, it's just getting super intentional about that time that you do have. So certainly you have maybe an hour a day that you could do or one rhythm a day. So for us, even if the day is, like, totally shot and insane and crazy and we all make it to the dinner table, we do best and weirdest. So what is the best part of your day? What is the weirdest part of your day? And even if everything else goes to shit, like, we get to have that one conversation and hear each person at the table's best part of the day and weirdest part of the day. And usually that feeds into other conversations and silliness of the toddlers and maybe some emotion from the teens. And it just really gives us that moment together, even if we have no other moments in the day together, you know, but just starting wherever you can. We've increased this best and weirdest idea at dinner time, too. It also includes, like, a no phone zone. We do tech fast.

We call it a tech fast. So we did this challenge during the pandemic. We said, look, the average person. This is a stat we found the average family used to be at the dinner table for 90 minutes. Now, that seems like, oh, that's weird. That's bizarre. But 90 minutes was the average dinner time. Today it's just under 12 minutes. So we're always rushing off to something. So during the pandemic, when we had tons of families saying, what are you doing? What are we doing? We had our own unknowns and things we were going through. We said, look, you got to shut off for at least an hour a day from everything. The news, your email, the Facebook threads, whatever it is, everyone at the same time, turn it all off and be intentional for an hour in front of each other around the dinner table and have real conversation. That one thing, Amberly, I think, can really start to ground you, because it happens day after day after day. And if you're always rushing onto a text or an email every seven minutes, of course you're not going to feel like you're there. Of course you're going to be half parenting and half focused and half mentally alert for what's right in front of you. So we encourage people just to start with that marker a day.

Just create space.

Yeah, to create that space.

And if you can't do it every day, then maybe Sundays or, you know, it's really about making the most of the time that you do have. Not feeling bad for any time you didn't have or don't have, but making the most of those moments you do have and being intentional and creating rhythms around it so that you can really hold steadfast and know what to expect.

Well, I love that you say the weirdest, because every night I get in bed with my daughter and we cuddle, and I'm like, one thing that you're grateful for. And what's the best thing that happened to you today? Now, because of y', all, I'm going to add what's the weirdest, But I think that also, I'm going to start incorporating this around the dinner table, too. Now, we do really.

I don't.

I say try because we don't always do it perfectly, but we do have, like, a no cell phone dinner. Sometimes we all break it, and I'm like, okay, wait, put the phones away. You know? But the reason I thought about you guys is because I was in the car, and my daughter and I had gone to her favorite place and, you know, the saddlery, to go look at horse stuff. And then we went out to eat, and we watch horse videos in the car while we eat in the car. And my car, I was like, no one's going to eat my new car. And now that's where we have a date. Is in the car and watch Netflix. On the way home, I took a phone call from one of my girlfriends who I rarely get to talk to. She's got six kids, and, you know, she. I feel like I'm busy with two. She's got six. And so I took the call, and about 30 minutes. It's a long drive home. And after 30 minutes, I look over and my daughter's crying. And she was upset that here she was with me. And that is some of our favorite time, is being in the car together. That's one of the reasons I like being able to take her to school. School is because it's us. And I don't usually get on the phone, but how do you handle a situation where it's like, gosh, you know, yeah, I want to just talk to my daughter in the car, too, But I've also got this dear friend of mine who's one of my best friends that called. And how would you explain that and how would you do it differently in the future to not upset your child? It's not like I wanted her to be upset. And so then the mom guilt sets in. Like, and it always boils down to, I'm not doing enough. It's just not enough. I'm not doing enough at work. I'm not doing enough as a mom. I could do more, which is that limiting belief that I want to, like, nip out of the bud. But what would you guys suggest about that? How to handle that, how to prevent it?

It's a really great example. So, you know, I know one thing that Jim has taught the entire family is the power of a sincere apology. And so he's really quick to. Even if it's. Whether it's the children or it's me or whomever it is, he's quick to say, I'm sorry, you know, sincerely apologize. I raised my voice. I didn't have all the information. I didn't mean to. What, you know, whatever.

It could take a call when I probably shouldn't have.

Right. So in your situation, it could be, oh, well, I didn't even. Just being super honest and vulnerable. I. I wasn't thinking. I saw it was my friend. I don't ever speak to her. I got excited. I answered the phone. Now that I see you, I realize I should have asked how you felt about it before I answered the phone.

Yeah, that's really good. I should have. Yeah.

In the future, it would be, you know, daughter such and such is calling. I don't ever get to talk to them. I love my time with you. Do you mind if I take this call at least to ask her if. When's a good time to call back? You know, whatever that communication may have been. But just speaking to children as though they're equal. Because they're just smaller adults.

Yeah. As they're equal, I think is very important.

Equal, respectful, you know, they're not invisible. So when you take that call, they feel like, okay, so I'm less important than who's on the phone. I'm not respectable enough to ask if I mind being interrupted on my thought, my feelings, my ideas, my time, you know, and that's extra hard, probably, when it's somebody that means so much to you.

Yeah. And you know what? That just really hit home for me. So thank you for sharing that. Because I remember I had a mom, daughter, date years ago with my oldest daughter. And we get in the car and she got on the phone right away and I felt hurt. And so that's how my daughter felt. And I did apologize and I reached over and grabbed her leg. Of course she shrugged away. She's okay now.

But it's growing up. Right.

But that I thought about y'. All.

Well, that's. That's the general. And that's why the great news on this. And we all mess up. There is no perfect family. There's no perfect marriage. There's no perfect parent child relationship. There's good ones, but it's not about perfection. It's about there's going to be imperfections. How do we get through them? And that's why we try to give simple solutions. And honestly, what We've learned if we'll just schedule one on one time, you got to separate the parts to strengthen whole.

If.

If you had had that time scheduled and just said, and this is me talking because I've made this, why we made this book is because I kept messing up. It's always the recovery of what we were messing up. And if we schedule one on one time and couple it with our other two rules, and that's tech fast. And open your discomfort to either giving an overdue sincere apology or an authentic compliment, because those are two things that our kids are missing. So if more people would just schedule one on one time. So if that best friend calls, if your husband calls, or that important client calls, you're going to miss it because your phone's off. But you've scheduled that time, your phone's off. There's deeper conversation on both sides because no one's allowed to have their phone on. And the parent has to take the lead on this. And this feels really uncomfortable, first of all, because it's not natural, at least for me to give a sincere apology or an authentic compliment just out of the blue. And also, sometimes we feel like we have immunity. We have entrepreneurial immunity. Do you know how hard I am working? I am going to talk to my friends because I have been busting my rear to support the family and all those are right. But immunity does not bring us closer to our kids. I have learned that over the years. Damn it. Even if I feel like I don't owe an apology, I probably do and I'm going to give it. So if people will just peanut butter and jelly that schedule your one on one time and during that time make a pact that your phone's going to be off for three to four hours and know the world won't blow up and you won't fall off your ratings of whatever you're in and maybe keep that space for giving a compliment you've been holding back or even an apology that's overdue. And if we just start to do that in a rhythm once a quarter, it can make a big difference.

Oh, so important. And then I love that you said, don't you know how hard I've been working? And that gives you the excuse to do this, that or the other. But I don't think my kids care how hard I've been working. I mean, they like the things that I can buy, but they don't care. They'd rather have one on one time. That is like really me being in the moment, in the present. With them. So I love that you said that. So schedule that one on one time. Make sincere apologies, give sincere compliments. And then what are some other things that you guys have done to really build relationships? Especially? I was divorced before and it was really difficult. That divorce was probably one of the hardest things, probably emotionally harder than my motorcycle accident where I almost died. This divorce was really hard. And it was hard. My daughter, it was for a long time, just her and I. I felt like it was us against the world. It's just me and you. Then I met my husband and it was hard. And my daughter got a little bit distant towards me as soon as he came into the picture. How do you start to build that relationship with teenagers who are discovering who they are and maybe want to create a little bit of distance between you, but also how do you build that relationship between the whole family? And I realize those are probably two separate questions, but maybe you can give me an answer just on how some of the ways that you guys have built relationships between each other and between the kids, especially when it's tough.

Sure, absolutely. That's a really great question. You know, there's a lot of ways separating the parts does strengthen the whole. So, you know, everybody gets their one on one time. And so it's not like, oh, you did this with this person and you did that with, you know, it doesn't. It kind of feels like a level playing field. And he and I do date night once a week as well. And so I feel like I have my place too. You know, everybody kind of has their place and their phone focus, time and their attention. And then again, revisiting best and weirdest. We get to know about each other's day, we get to ask some questions. That really plays into some other pieces of connecting. We do a lot of adventuring together. So we take trips, we try new things. And that's really important. And that feels like it brings us together. Everything from taking risks like jumping off of cliffs or swimming with sharks, things that we've done that are a step out of our comfort zone. Or maybe half of us are into and the other half barn into, but just the. The opportunity to do things that are a little bit different together. So keeping rhythms, stepping outside of your comfort zone. And then we also learn together. And learning together is super powerful tool. And that's things like we read a book a quarter with our teens, you

know, oh, that's awesome book.

For us, it involves relationship skills, personal development, or financial intelligence. Those are usually the three categories. And we try to make them interesting. Some of those don't sound that much fun, but. But it is. We. We learn them in an exciting way. And so we all read the same book once a week. We get together, we talk about it, we play games as a family. Just lots of ways in which you can bond and start conversations together.

I love that now I could convince my daughters to read a book with me. In fact, one day I walked into my daughter's room, and one of my dear friends is Katherine Gordon, and her husband is John Gordon, and he's got several bestselling. And I walk in and my daughter's reading one of his books. And I texted her. I was like, I am so happy right now. Ruby's reading your husband's book. She just went in my office and grabbed one of the books. But I think it'd be fun to do that as a family. And I just told my husband the other day, I was like, do you want to do some self development stuff with me? He's like, I'm not into that stuff. But maybe, just maybe I could talk him into doing a book together. We could talk about it at dinner. And I love that you adventure together. I think that going through the pandemic for us really strengthened our family. Going through some tough times during the pandemic really strengthened our family. And I just told my husband today. I was like, we need to take another family trip. Because it does. It brings fun, adventure, and that bonding as well.

Let me give you a hack for your husband. Obviously, him and I probably have more in common than we know. So a starting point is on date night, Jamie and I, a few years ago. And we'll send you a pack of these date night questions because what we found when we were working with a lot of families and entrepreneur couples. Fine. You set date night. First off, you got to learn the phone's not invited. You got to get rid of that. So we get through that, but you find that you get on date night, and it's, well, how was the weather? What did the kids do at school today? What errands do we need to run this weekend? And that's kind of the garnish. That's not the meat and potatoes. That's not going to keep you dating. So Jamie and I started to pull up off the Internet questions before our date, and we'd pick one or two and we'd bring it with us. So there was none of that, how was the kids day at school, the weather? It'd be more like, name a time that I really Showed up for you, and what did I do that made it seem like I was really there? Name a time that I didn't show up. Name the best adventure we've ever gone on. Who was your favorite teacher as a kid growing up? And what impact did they have on your life? You start to ask these deeper questions. It takes you off that surface. Static. And brings you below the surface. You keep dating. You get to know each other. So just keeping a date, but also bringing one or two powerful questions on the date that you don't know about each other is such a way to have deeper, more fun, engaged conversation. So even starting right there with one or two deeper questions every date with your husband, it's been a game changer for us.

That is incredible. Well, first of all, scheduling a date night every week, that's so important, that goes out the window a lot of times, and it's like, you know, do it. Make that time. So that. And then I love the idea about bringing questions to the date. So what really inspired you to write your book that you were like, was this burning desire in you, like, I need to get this book out there?

Yeah. No. So our first Christmas together, he took a piece of paper and split it into four pieces, and he made gym day coupons. And so each day was redeemable for one day with Jim. You know, it's like a daddy date each quarter. And so that's how our board meetings and this book began, because it started as a gym day. And then as they started getting closer and our family just becoming a blended family. So blended that nobody could tell, people started saying, well, what are you doing? Well, tell me about this. And as that grew and he got asked to speak, and he spoke on a stage, and it was incredibly emotional and powerful. And he was like, whoo. I'm this real estate guy that somehow is bearing my entire heart about this family that I always wanted. And somehow it just became. It grew from there. And someone said, you should write a book. And so I. I hit my final button to pop while nursing our daughter and on the floor of a bedroom, you know, and so that's how the book was born. It was. It was really a labor of love and an intensity and just.

It.

Yeah, so I think that's a good thing for people here out there too. We had a whole $600 towards the book and went to a bad seller. So that doesn't always happen, but I think if the theme's important enough, it's real and it's real. Some interesting things can Happen as is why what you're sharing is obviously resonates with so many people out there.

Oh, thank you. Yeah. And you know what? I think that to have someone who is as successful as you, big strong guy, get up on stage and share his heart and be vulnerable, because there's a lot of times, especially now, where the guys are working and traveling, or the females are working and traveling. In my case, my husband's retired, and I'm the one that does all the traveling and the work. But not many people are talking about, well, how do you create that alignment and that joy and that happiness and that serenity and in the family and in the workplace? And I don't know if I really believe in balance, because I've never achieved it. I think things are always shifting and changing. But how do you feel about that? As far as. When you say people create balance, how do you feel about that?

We use the word integration. A friend of ours kind of dropped that into our. Yeah, we were like, wow, that's great.

Integrating.

Yeah. Integration means I involve my children when I do household tasks. Integration means, you know, we're home recording our podcast. This is our podcast studio. But as soon as I leave this room, I'm going to be right back into mom and wiping butts and making milk. But they understand that right now we're working hard for our family. And so that integration piece of. They're a part of our work life. They have an awareness. They know what we do. They have an appreciation for it. And then when we step out of here, we have an appreciation that this is our home and it deserves respect and attention and patience and all of the things that come with being a family person. And so it's not about balance, you know, because it's always going to sometimes feel like you're more somewhere than the other. You mentioned guilt earlier, that mom guilt. And really, it's just a feeling of inadequacy, right? Like, oh, I'm winning nowhere. I'm. I'm everywhere, and I'm winning nowhere. But when you start to create the integration and that intentionality, like, I know when I'm in this room and I'm speaking with someone, I'm all yours. You know, we're here together. But as soon as I close this computer and I turn and there's a little face, I'm going to be all that little face. And so just really putting those together.

Yeah, I think that's so important. I had a friend of mine share that with me who travels a lot for speaking and she's like, you know, when my family knows, when I'm away at an event, I am in 100%. I'm there at the event. But when I'm home and I'm with my family, I'm in it 100%. And that's huge. That's something that I think we teach each other how that works. And I had to teach my family. I remember I was away speaking at an event, and I was on stage for hours and then doing breakout sessions and then panel discussions, and my phone was blowing up, and it was my husband and my daughter and my husband. And I finally stepped off stage and I was like, is everything okay? Is the house on fire? Like, what's going on? Like, well, you aren't answering your phone. We just wondered what you're doing. And I'm like, but I told you I'm speaking at an event and I will check in. But so they know now. They know I check in with them and then I have it on my. Even on my computer where if they call more than once, it will come through, but it's on do not disturb. And so the other day, my husband called twice in a row, and I was on a zoom, and I stopped to pick up the phone. Is everything okay? And he goes, see, Ruby, I told you she would think it was an emergency. See if I called twice in a row. So. So yeah, I was like, you know, but it's just learning everything. So wait, tell people, because I know you do. Are you still doing retreats right now? Because I have heard testimonials from people about your retreats that are just beautiful, touching, about the relationship that has allowed them to build with their son or their daughter.

So.

So are you still doing retreats now?

We don't have any schedule now. We had a bunch scheduled and obviously the pandemic ended that. So we're going to start rescheduling, probably starting at the end of this year. So we'll keep people posted. I'm still doing a few talks and workshops where Jamie and I are together. We'll keep people abreast of that right now. Kind of like you. We've been home just enjoying our family and doing the podcast, getting to have conversations like this. The pandemic obviously had a lot of pain, but it was nice to reground at home and work are just starting to get the wings back out again.

That's awesome. We'll tell the name of your podcast and also where they can find your book, where they can find you future events and that sort of thing.

Sure. 18summers.com, just the number one. Eight summers with an S on the end is the best place to find all of our things from our podcast or podcast. You've listened to any other podcast? Just 18 summers parenting podcast. And the book is on Amazon. We're on social media, 18Summers Tribe on Instagram. So we really enjoy hearing from people that have read the book. Oh, we're also on Facebook. We have a private community on there. Usually it's just folks who read the book, but we're all over the place if you just search for us. And we really and truly do love hearing and interacting with other families and learning from others and just sharing that way. It's really. It's a really sweet, great community.

Oh, I love it too. I love when people reach out. And you guys, if you're listening on Apple or Spotify or whatever, screenshot it and tag us at 18 summers tribe and Amberly Lago Motivation. So we know that you heard it because there are definitely some things that really stood out to me. And even when I first started looking into your work, it really got me super focused on my time with my daughter and that sort of thing. Not that I didn't before, but just thinking about it in 18 summers, it's like, oh, I got to make the most of this summer. So I just appreciate y' all coming on, especially when you've got a brand new newborn at home. Thank you so much for being on the show and sharing. I know that people are going to love your book as much as I did, and I just appreciate you so much. So thank you so much.

Thanks for having us.

You too. Thank y' all for tuning in. I'll see you next time.