Stop Living on Autopilot with Antonio Neves

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert, and bestselling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace. If you are feeling like it's time to make a bold and courageous shift in your life, but maybe you're feeling stuck, or maybe you're not quite sure what your next steps are. I'm so glad you're here today because I have Antonio Neves on the show with us, and he shares with us how to stop living on autopilot and how to really start living a more fulfilled life and. And boldly go after your big dreams. He's an author. He's the host of the Best Thing podcast. He's an internationally recognized speaker and success coach. For 10 years, he worked as a business correspondent, host, and producer with top TV networks such as NBC and PBS and y'. All. His approach to transformation, he it's driving results around the world, and he is really showing people how to become the hero of their own story. So I'm so glad that you're here with us today. And, you know, he was just featured on the Today show with his newest book called Stop Living on Autopilot, and he nailed it. And you know what? This book, I tell him in the interview, it changed my life. It really got me focused on what was important and where I wanted my life to go. So I think you might want to grab a pen and a piece of paper and get ready to hear some nuggets of wisdom from our friend Antonia. Hello, Antonio. I am so grateful to have you on the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm so grateful for our mutual friend Mitch Matthews, who connected us. And I was just saying we were talking before I hit record, and I was like, when Mitch introduces me to someone, I know that they are gold. And you truly are. I was saying also that your book Stop Living on Autopilot, I mean, it's been a while since I have read a book that I literally could not put it down. It was like, I couldn't wait to get some. I would wake up earlier in the morning so I could read it.

I have.

If you could see the whole book. I don't know if you can see this if y' all are watching on YouTube. I've got so many highlights in your book, and I have to say I made some big life decisions after just reading your book. So grateful that you're here. Thank you so much. I'm excited to dive into this conversation. Thank you for being here.

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you for your kind words. You're right. Mitch Matthews is one of those amazing individuals. And to your point, I think the book is really connecting with people. And this is something that I believe we have in common, is that we're pretty direct, we're pretty blunt with people. And I'm a kind, I'm professional. But one thing I want to do with this book is not the standard pat on your back kind of personal development book. It's raw, it's real.

It is.

It's direct. It kind of requires you to confront some hard truths. So I think it's caught some people off guard. But it also is that real talk that we truly crave as well, that we don't get enough.

Yeah. Well, can I just say, in the beginning, it really, I was like, dang, he is the real deal. I just want to talk about, like, you. Back in 2016, if somebody googled you, they'd be like, oh, he's got it all. He's got the, you know, the blue. He's verified on all his accounts. He's speaking on the biggest stages. I mean, you've been in TV and radio and interviewed some of the most incredible politicians, athletes, entrepreneurs, thought leaders, and the family and the twins. And from the outside, everything looked great. Everything looked glamorous and perfect. As it often does when you look on Instagram or you Google somebody, it all just looks perfect. But what got me from the beginning of your book is when you were talking about that moment in the alley that changed your life. Can you please share that story? Because I know there were probably people going, what?

Yeah. Well, it's interesting, as you mentioned, the Internet only tells a story. It doesn't tell the whole story on paper. Everything I'd accomplished, everything I set out to accomplish back in 2016, a lot of people can understand this, where their LinkedIn profile looks good, Instagram and Facebook looks good. But through doing so many talks over the years after talk, so many people would come up to me and say, hey, Antonio, I'm not as successful as I look on LinkedIn, or I'm not as happy as I look on Facebook. And I was one of those people that Even though he has achieved the quote, unquote, American dream, inside, I was slowly wilting. Atrophy was setting in for a variety of reasons. First and foremost, I felt like my guide to life up to that point had come to an end. And it got me so far, but it had come to an end. I was a year into marriage. My wife and I had newly born twins. Just for a brief moment, marriage is something that I didn't know how to do. That between my mother and father are a total of six divorces. Each had been divorced three different times. So I reached this unique point in my marriage where I was like, what do I do now? Then I became a father, not just of one, but of twins. Immediately, my mom and dad got divorced, and I was a young kid. So I didn't know what it was like to have a father in my life on a regular basis. So I felt like when I was. What it meant to be a dad, what it meant to be a father, I didn't know what that meant. So I felt like I was struggling in so many different regards and I was so stressed. And I think something else that was so key as well is that I stopped being bold and courageous. In many ways, I felt like life was on cruise control and I was going through the motions. And as you mentioned, I developed some bad habits during that time. I found myself sedating in the evenings with that glass of wine, but let's be real, those two or three glass of wines in the evening, just to take off that inner monologue that was going on of all the stress and anxiety. But I also picked up a horrible habit of smoking. I became a secret cigarette smoker. I used to wear this bright green gardening glove and smoke in alleys in Los Angeles.

So much work, right? To try to hide your coping mechanisms. I mean, all you're trying to do is really just shut off all the thoughts and kind of numb out a little bit. And then it becomes like, so much work to try to hide these things.

Oh, my goodness. I'm wearing a bright green gardening glove. I'm bringing extra clothes that I can change into. My wife and I wore the gardening glove and would change clothes so my wife couldn't smell the smoke on me and my friends as well. No one knew I was keeping all this to myself. One day, as you mentioned, I was in an alley smoking some cigarettes, and what I perceived to be a homeless man came up to me and he asked me if he could borrow a couple of cigarettes. And he seemed like he had seen many better Days. So I gave him a couple of cigarettes. Then at some point, he noticed I was wearing the green gardening glove. And he's like, hey, man, what's up? What's up with that green gardening glove? And I was like, oh, my wife doesn't know that I smoke. I wear this so she doesn't know that I. So I don't smell like smoke. And he looked at me like I committed a crime. He looked at me like we had changed places. And he said some words that I never will forget. He said, hey, man, you got to figure that out. There's an expletive in there. You got to figure that out. Here I am a man that's quoted.

Oh, and you can cuss on here, too.

Okay, good to know. You got to figure that shit out.

And that hit you hard, like, you never know. I feel like I call those God winks moments that really, they stop you dead in your tracks. And you're like, like, yeah, of course. You know, in an alley with a gardening glove on, smoking a cigarette isn't right. But when you have somebody call you out on it, it's like, the gig is up. You gotta Gig, Yeah, you gotta figure out.

I agree. And he was an angel to me. That day and that moment right there set me on a course of. Of course, correcting my ship, if you will. I had reached a low, and I wouldn't say rock bottom, but I reached a place where I realized I had to make a decision. And as always, I have to remind myself and remind other people that is not making a decision is making a decision. And for a long time, I wasn't making choices. I wasn't making a decision. And it got me in that place, and I knew I had to make some new decisions to course correct my life.

Well, first of all, what did you do at that point when you were like, okay, I got to figure things out. How. How did I get here? How did I go from being this driven, passionate, courageous guy who was like. Because you had gone through several transitions and challenges, you'd been fired from, you know, a really successful job at Nickelodeon. You had been through challenges, but now here you are, really, if, like you said, if everybody looked at you, on top of the world, but yet you were still. You were in the. In the alley, wearing a gardening glove, smoking a cigarette. And what was your first step into going, okay, how did I get here? I need to course correct. What did you do?

Yeah, well, first and foremost, you have to have some hard conversations with yourself and start telling yourself the truth. I think a great question I love to ask myself and ask other people is, what's the biggest lie you tell yourself? And I told myself a lot of lies that everything was okay. So first and foremost, I decided not to go about it alone, and I reached out for support. I worked with the therapist. I worked with the coach. And I don't know about you, I'm always blown away by so many people who work in the personal development space, that don't work with the coach, that don't seek out therapy of their own. I find that kind of ironic. So I seek out support. In my experience, no one who has accomplished anything of significance did it alone, and neither should we. At that point in my life, I had truly isolated, and I knew I needed to support and ask for help. Had to come clean with my wife about what was going on, because I know she wanted to be in my corner and support me.

And then I had probably felt more connected to you than ever when you just got real and honest with her and was like, I'm struggling. I need your help.

Well, I came clean with my wife. Let's be clear. After she found the cigarettes in my car, I didn't just come home one day. She. She found the cigarettes. But I'll tell you this much. I thought she was gonna be really mad at me. I thought, she's gonna be really angry. But in that moment, I basically kind of broke down and said, I'm stressed. I'm exhausted. I don't know what I'm doing right now. I need support. So, yes, I've been smoking cigarettes to alleviate the stress and the pain that I'm going through. And I thought, she's gonna be really mad. Believe it or not, the biggest thing that she did was ask how she could help, how she could be there. And she felt really sad that she didn't know that this was going on for so long. Because, you know, we tell ourselves that we have all the answers. We can figure things out. And it's vulnerable to ask for help when it's the exact opposite. But there are two things that really hit me in my face during that time. That one one was I had to realize that my dreams had an expiration date if I didn't act on them. And at that point in my life, I had stopped dreaming. I was. As I mentioned, I was on autopilot. I was on cruise control. I was going through the motions. And as you know, for a lot of people, that. That going through the motions kind of life can be pretty good, because there's food on the plate. You can live in a nice home, your family can be healthy, but still, deep down inside, you know that this isn't it for you. Even though this is good, this isn't it for you. And I had stopped being bold in the things that I wanted to pursue. I had stopped being courageous. That, that kid, I'm going to call him kid who moved to New York City and you know all about moving from your small town in Texas to California. And I'm the guy that moved from small town Michigan in New York City.

And you have like 800 bucks to your name. 800 buc.

But that kid who arrived in New York City with less than $800 in his bank account, who knew just one person before Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, all that fun stuff, who had dreams of breaking into the television industry, that person with that hustle, that vigor, that positive outlook on life, he no longer existed. And I needed to tap back into that person who was excited about life every single day in a way that he was, because I had stopped being bold and I'd stopped being courageous. And I think a lot of listeners and viewers will probably know exactly what I'm talking about.

Well, I think too, you know, it is easy to start to isolate, especially when you have reached a certain level of success. I think it comes in different waves of, you know, you know, that you. You don't have as much time. I feel like, too. Like, for me, I remember when I first came out with my book, my, my publicist was like, say yes to everything. Say yes to every interview, blog, radio, media. You just say yes, say yes. And so I started saying yes to everything. And before I knew it, I felt like I was on autopilot. I was not really tapping into, well, what do I want to do? What are my intentions? Where are, you know, what's my vision? And so really, when I read your book, I have to say that I made a couple of big decisions just after reading your books. I was like, oh, gosh. I think I need to tap into that bold, courageous person that I know that's in there, but it's sometimes hard to tap into. How do you start to tap into yourself? That courage that you need to really go after the vision that you want for your life. How do you do that?

Yeah, a couple of things I'll say to set this up first and foremost for people so they can really connect to this. What we talking about being bold and courageous? I mean, you're from Texas where people were. Football is everything.

Oh, yeah.

I want people to think about just a football game for a quick second. And there's that game in the first half when a team comes out and let's say at halftime they're winning 30 to 0. But then it's the fourth quarter, and all of a sudden that 30 to 0 lead is now it's 30 to 28. They're only up a few points. And what happened and what we're talking about right now is in that first half, that team who was up 30 to 0 came out to win. They were playing to win. And then they came out in the second half and they started to play not to lose. Yes, that's how it ended, 30 to 20. That's how they ended up in the fourth quarter, the two minutes to go, only up two points. And that's what happens to us in life. Instead of playing to win, we find ourselves once we reach success, once we get certain titles, once we get certain mortgages and certain responsibilities that kind of, you know, are like heavy weights on us. We find ourselves all of a sudden playing not to lose. And that's when we stop being bold. That's when we stop being courageous. And I'm going to answer your question here in a second, but I.

Such an incredible analogy, though. I love analogies, and I love how you very vividly paint a picture of things and describe things that are easy to break down in your book. So I don't usually do this, and I'm sorry to interrupt. I don't usually do this. But y', all, I am telling you, this book, stop living on autopilot. You got. You won't want to put it down. It's. It really is a life changer. And the way you just described that is how you write. It's so well written in the book. And so I'm sorry, I don't usually do that. But y' all go out and buy this book because it's amazing.

Hey, I'll take it. Thank you so much. It also makes me think about something you appreciate. And I mentioned this in the book. Back in 2016, I read this article in the New York Times, and these two business owners were being interviewed, and one of them was talking about what it was like to start a business in New York in the 1990s, which is very different than right now. And he said something pretty interesting. He said, I really miss the old New York. He was talking about what New York was back in the 1990s and 80s and how different it was. But his co founder corrected him and he said, you don't miss the old New York. What you miss is the old you, who you were during that time, how you showed up for life. So that's for many people, what we're talking about when we're living on autopilot. How do we course correct? How do we fix that? First and foremost, you have to know if you're on autopilot. Something you can do right now for people listening is to think back to your last 30 days and think back to your last 30 days at work if you happen to be gainfully employed. I know it's a tough economy, but if you're working, think about this. If your boss, if your manager had to make a decision to rehire you, would they immediately say yes or would they pause? If there is some pausing right there, you potentially could be on autopilot at work. If you happen to be in a marriage, in a relationship, you have a partner. This is a fun one I love to do with people. If your husband, if your wife, if your partner had to make a decision to recommit to you based on the last 30 days of your relationship, would they immediately say yes?

Well, I mean, my husband always says, you know what? Your warranty's expired. I might have to trade you in. He's like, gets up. You know what? I have no more insurance for you. You. You're what? He says things like that. But really, when I read that question in your book, it made me pause and think, oh, my goodness, how can I be a better wife and more present in the relationship how I was in the beginning and treat him with more kindness and compassion? Because I think you have seasons of your life where for me, I mean, he was like, you want to write a book? And I was like, yeah. And I had no idea how my life would change after I wrote my book. And it just went from one event to the next event. And he's really been like, okay, when is it going to slow down? When are you going to give me some attention? So when I read that in your book, I was like, oh, wow. It made me stop and think, how can I be a better mom and more present and better wife and be better in my business and to the people that I work with? I'm sure that question gets people. When you're standing on stages and you ask that, I bet you get a lot of people that start squirming in their seats.

They squirm, they stop. They were making eye contact with me. Now there's no longer any eye contact. And the Beautiful thing about the 30 day question is that you can look at it with your work, with your relationship with parenting, as you mentioned, with your finances, with your health, with your diet, your physical fitness, all of that, and what it really drives to. And you hit the nail on the head, is what I like to call think back to when you got the job that you're in right now. For those people who are listening, whether you love your job or hate your job right now, think back to when you got hired and how excited you were and how you showed up that first day, that first week, that first month. Now, here's the question. How much of that man or woman still exists today? When you show up, you can go back to your relationship. Remember, like dating, remember courting, remember whispering sweet nothings and writing handwritten notes and doing cards and all those types of things, the courting process, how much of that person still exists? And we can do that with everything. Now the big thing is this. Most people, when they answer the 30 day question, they don't like the answer. What I want you to do, though, is not to beat yourself up. This is all just data. This is all just awareness so we can make new choices. Right? That's all that it is. And then there's a fun question. The book outlines so many different things you can do to live on, to not live on autopilot. But I like to have fun with this the same way you like to have fun with this. And the question I like to ask people is if they don't like where they are right now in any area of their life, is depose it like those choose your own adventure kind of books from our childhood. And ask yourself this question. If your life was a movie, if your life was a movie, what would the lead character start doing right now to turn things around? What a fun question, right? To be playful.

Yeah, you can always do a plot twist like that. Puts us back in the driver's seat and gives us choices. And sometimes I think that that's where I think I got a little lost, because I was, I am guilty. I was starting to be on autopilot, saying yes, yes, yes to everything, instead of going, wait a minute, I got to be in the driver's seat. I need to really think about what my intentions are and realize I have some choices. And I think that's important for a lot of listeners. We have a lot of listeners that have struggle with some health issues. I mean, that they're living with chronic pain and, you know, they've had doctors tell them you know, I had a doctor tell me, you'll never work again. You need to get back in your wheelchair. You're going to be permanently disabled. And so from the outside, you can have a lot of people tell you a lot of things, but it's so important to get grounded and know your truth and know that you always have choices. But that self awareness isn't easy. And so I want to tell people that from my own experience, when I got real with myself and took a good hard look at myself, it's not easy. And just reading the beginning of your book, I was beating myself up a little bit. So I want to thank you for saying, don't beat yourself up.

It's all data, this all information. And you hit the nail on the head. Any television show you watch, any movie watch, there's always some type of plot twist that's happening. We're treating ourselves like we're supporting characters in our own lives. And I want to remind all of us that we are the lead character. But there's something else that needs to be said and the reason why it's so challenging sometimes to not live on autopilot. It's so much. It's so much easier. Stay in cruise control because sometimes the people in our life encourage it because we have people in our life. If something doesn't work out, you know what people will say to us sometimes? They'll say things like, oh, well, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

That's exactly what they say every single time.

Maybe it wasn't meant to be. But I'm that coach, I'm that person. I want people in my life who keep it real with me. And they say, was it not meant to be or did you give up or did you not work hard enough? Did you not show up at the gym? Did you not make a good health decision? Did you not eat? You know, right. There's other people will say things like, if we're not putting effort forward on what matters, people say, oh, you know, it's never too late. But I'm that person. This book is that person says it's never too late. And the longer you wait, the harder it is going to get. What we need is again, I'm okay with giving people hugs and I'm okay with giving people pats on the back. But also this book in many ways is kind of a soft hit to your esophagus, A loving hit to the esophagus to grab your attention. Let us know that this thing is not forever. And if there's anything I want people to know. And I think your work really encapsulates all of this, and that is these words right here. You have a say in this. At some point, we forget that we have a say in this. I believe many of us, we're like a Ferrari, a fine piece of Italian engineering. But imagine owning a Ferrari and only driving it at 35 miles per hour. Now, get it. There are times we need to be safe, but there are rules you have to follow on the road for safety, et cetera. But when there's the opportunity, if you happen to be on a racetrack and you can go a little bit faster, you're going to, like, actually use the multiple gears that you have. But most people are stuck in one gear in their life, unwilling to shift.

That's hitting me hard right now, I have to say, because my friend Greg Reed. Do you know Greg Reed?

I met Greg Reed before.

Yeah, Yeah.

I loved an event together in Florida years ago.

Yeah. He's such a good man. I was in a Mastermind with him, and we've become good friends. I've spoken at secret knock before, and I was talking to him on the phone, and he's one of those people that just gives you advice, like, straight up. And I love when people are straight up with me and everybody on my team. I'm like, I need you to call me out if you see that I'm doing something that's not quite right. But when you gave the analogy of the Ferrari, he actually told me something similar. He's like, amberly, you're like a Ferrari, but you're parked in the garage. You've got to do. And I was like. He goes, what are you doing? He was like, you need to go ahead and launch that right now. And so I was launching a Mastermind, and I had all the credentials. I had taken the certification to be a mastermind consultant, and I had not launched it yet. He was like, what are you scared of? And I love when people call me on my shit like that, but I love the analogy, and it really made me think. And so right after that, I got my got it together. I got my landing page. I got. And so I was like, okay, sometimes we need those people to light a fire up under us. And it doesn't matter how successful you are. I love that you share that. It is so important to have mentors and coaches and people around you that have paved the way to success that you can rely on for good counsel. Because a lot of times our family and our friends, they will have opinions, but we need counsel. We need, like people to hold us accountable and share their experience, strength and hope with us.

We need counsel. Absolutely. And I love that advice that Greg gave you and what he did. And I say he called you up, right? We can call people out or we can call people up. And I feel like he truly called you up. And you're right. The people who are closest to us, that can be a challenge sometimes. I talk about in the book how sometimes it can threaten people when we grow, it can scare people when we grow. Because what it does, as you know, is it holds up a mirror as to what they are not doing in their life. So what they try to do is they'll say those passive aggressive comments, they'll say, who do you think you are as you are growing, as you are moving forward, as you are experiencing new things, it makes them feel so uncomfortable because they are not doing similar things. So they find a way to try to claw and bring you back. But that's why it's so critical to surround yourself with allies. Those men and women that are going to encourage you, inspire you, challenge you, push you, and most importantly, provide you with what Greg provided you with, what my allies provide me with something I call good friction. I am from the snow in Michigan, and sometimes your car can get stuck in snow and that tire can just be spinning. And when that tire is stuck in the snow spinning, what we do is we will put sand underneath that tire or we'll put kitty litter underneath that tire or salt something that creates friction to propel you forward. But far too many people don't want that friction. They're afraid of that friction. You know, right now, as a top athletic trainer who's worked with amazing people, right? How do you build muscles?

Right?

You actually are tearing muscle fibers as you're lifting heavy weights. I love the quote from former Mr. Olympia Ronnie Coleman. He says, everybody wants big muscles, but nobody wants to lift these heavy ass weights.

That's in your book.

Yeah, right?

I love that quote. Yeah, it's so true. And it's that way with a lot of things. A lot of times people will say, I want to write a book, but they don't set aside the time, even 30 minutes a day, every day to actually do it. Or did. You know, like 80% of people want to write a book or people say, I want to be a speaker, I want to get on stage. Well, then you gotta get out there and actually start doing it. I mean, I can't tell you how many little churches I spoke in schools, networking events, little seedy coffee joints, like any place that would have me to speak. I'm like, yep, I'll be there. I'll be there because I needed the experience. You.

Sorry, interrupt. You and me both. And I think they say 80% of people want to write a book. I think it's actually different. I think it's actually 80% of people want to have written a book. They want the past tense. It's been done. They don't want the process of actually doing it. And what you're talking about is something pretty critical like you going into all those places to deliver those speeches early in your career. Now, people today are like, oh, must be nice, Antonio, to have a book come out with a major publishing house. Must be nice to be you. But what they don't realize is that prior to getting this deal with a major publishing house, I have self published three books. Three books. The first one came out in the year 2010, 11 years before my book with the major publishing house came out. So I've been investing in myself. What we have to do is to be willing to be our own benefactor. We can look at, like artists over the years, Mozart and Picasso and Harper Lee, and at some point during their careers, they had what they call benefactors, people who support their art so they could actually work. But I think in this day and age Of Kickstarters and GoFundMes and Indiegogos of the world, it's as if we can only do things if we get outside support. But I always invite people to do is to be willing to be your own benefactor. Something our friend Mitch Matthews told me. A dream job is a job you love or a job that allows you to do what you love. So if you hate your job right now and you want to do something else, reframe that job as your benefactor. That allows you to do stuff in the evenings and on the weekends. To be able, if you want to leave that one day, great. But we have to be willing to endorse ourselves and invest in ourselves. Do you like. I'm like, do you? These people out there, do they really want to be a speaker or do they just want to stand on the stage and have people clap for the.

Yep, that's exactly right. And you know, for me, I think if we really have to ask, this is something I ask my clients is for their job. Is it something that you would do if you didn't get paid for it? Like, would you still do it if you didn't get paid? And I Know, for me speaking, I used to fly across the country on my own dime and not get paid to go to this event and speak on that stage just because I wanted to connect with those people. I wanted to be there. And that. That's one thing that's been hard for me through with COVID in the virtual events. I like people. I love people, and that's why I'm a speaker, because I love seeing that light come on in them when I'm there with them, and I get down in the audience with them. You know what I mean? So I always ask people, would you do what you do for free if you made no money at it? Because you have that. If you don't have passion or you don't love what you do, it's going to be really hard to keep going when the going gets tough.

Absolutely. And like you, I love connecting with people face to face. Virtual is cool, but I prefer being in person anytime. I can't wait to do more of that. It's funny, as a speaker, I'm sure you've heard this as well. Over the years, I've had so many entrepreneur friends say, hey, Antonio, you have to stop trading your time for money. You can't just get paid when you get on a plane and show up in these different places. And I get what they're saying, that idea of trading time for money, and you're going to have your other courses and different things available. But what I have to remind people, and I remind myself is, but look, when I do that, when I get on that plane, for me, it's not a chore. I love it. Yeah, I enjoy it. So I hear you don't trade your time for money. Don't get on a plane to get paid. Like, no, I'm willing to do that because I actually love it. And I would do it to your point, at no cost.

And then when you can make money, that's just like winning the lottery to me. If you have some advice for someone who's sitting here listening and they're going, oh, my gosh, I think I'm living my life on autopilot. I don't really know why I'm still in this marriage or have this job or what am I doing with my life? What would be something that you could tell them to start? So you said, okay, let's take a look at your life. Let's be aware, let's be accountable. Let's ask for help. Let's have some courage. What are some other things that you could say so they could kind of correct where they're going and get to where they need to go.

I'll give you three extremely practical things. Number one, start learning again. We've been students pretty much our whole life, but at some point when we enter the quote unquote real world, we stop learning. I invite you to invest in yourself with education. It doesn't even have to cost you anything. You can listen to an amazing podcast like this or mine or so many other ones out there. So there are amazing books, Books. These are available at libraries to you at no cost. Audiobooks, physical books, you name it. So many amazing online courses are available out there. There are masterminds like yours that people can join there where they can pour into themselves. So I always say, start learning again. Atrophy has set in on your brain and your brain wants to learn. The second thing I'll tell folks is to finish something. We have reached a place in life where many people aren't finishing stuff. If they look at their life and their to do list. This project is 80% complete. This project is 60% complete. This, it's just a note on the, on a notebook. But when we regularly finish things large and small, that builds up confidence, that creates momentum for us. It works like compound interest. And I'm talking about small things. It can be finishing a puzzle, it can be finishing that home improvement project, it could be writing that 300 word blog post, you name it. But when we finish things, it creates momentum and builds confidence. And last but not least, I'll say connect with people. Find your allies. Those people that encourage you, that inspire you, that challenge you, that push you, that hold you accountable. And you're probably saying, but Antonio, I don't know these people. But guess what? There are so many amazing group coaching programs out there. Masterminds, purge groups, virtual groups that meet in your communities, Facebook groups, you name it, where these people will support you and be your allies. And just know this, this is one of the toughest things I've had to learn in my life, is that is sometimes the people who end up supporting you the most know you the least. Not always the men and women who've been in your life for a long time, your closest friends and family members. Sometimes the people who end up supporting you the most know you the least. And that's okay.

Yeah. You know, it's so interesting you say that. I remember one time I was doing an event and it was a local event for Athleta, and I was going to teach, like a workshop, and I was so Surprised, because people that I knew from social media, but they weren't. I'd never met in person, they all showed up and I was like, dude, where. Where are my best friends? Like, and I called them after. I was like, I was really hoping. I thought I would see you at the event. And they're like, well, I knew you would have so many people there, so I didn't come. And I'm like, wow, so you're so right. Sometimes the people that we hardly know and the people that I have connected with on social media have. They're like my Instagram family. I mean, those people are my friends. They show up at every book signing I've done across the country. I got to meet them in person. So you are so right. You can connect with church groups you can connect with. I am glad you brought up masterminds. A lot of people might be sitting there going, well, what is a mastermind? And for me, a mastermind really moved the needle on my business because it's an investment in yourself, but you get to connect with a small community of whatever you're in. If you're an entrepreneur, if, you know, if you're a book writer or you like books, maybe you connect with a book club. And the great thing about social media is you can find so many incredible different groups and mentor programs and masterminds and coaching just through social media or. Google is my best friend, man, I don't know something. I Google it and I find it. But it is so important to be in the right groups, and it is for me. When I was diagnosed with crps, I thought, well, I need to be in some support groups for CRPs. And I quickly realized, nope, that's not the right group for me. That feels negative and it's bringing me down. So I think it's important to ask yourself, when you're around those people, whether it's a support group or mastermind, do you feel uplifted, do you feel energized? Or are you feeling kind of drained? What would you suggest to someone who has some negative people in their life? They know, but they don't know how to set those boundaries. What is a good way for them to set a boundary?

Yeah, I call those negative people thieves, thieves of ambition. People that don't encourage you, that don't inspire you, that don't challenge you, that don't push you, that don't hold you accountable, to be the best version of yourself. They're okay with the status quo, they're okay with mediocrity. They're okay with you being exactly the same as you were yesterday. We've all experienced these men and women in our life. They can be colleagues, they can be family members. They can be people that live in our homes. They can be friends you've known for years. And we feel like we have an obligation to continue to have a relationship with them. First and foremost, I always recommend having a conversation with someone laying out where you are like, hey, this is where I am in my life. These are the expectations. These are the goals I am trying to accomplish. I find that when we spend time together or we communicate, it ends up being negative. Or you're not as encouraging as I would like, or XYZ happens. My request. That's the key word, my request is that we can transition our relationship to being a little bit different. Would you be open to that? You made a request, you asked a question. Not to say, they're going to be okay with that. They may give you a hard time, but you poured out your heart. You let them know where you stand. Look, nine times out of 10, people will never have that conversation because they're unwilling to have that quote, unquote, confrontation. But I invite you to have that conversation. It may not always go the way you want it to go, but you're going to feel better knowing you said these things. And you may be pleasantly surprised that that person who has always been negative, all of a sudden they're like, thank you for letting me know. Yes, I'm willing to shift. I'm willing to change. If people aren't willing to do that, of course, all we can do is create boundaries. And boundaries mean sometimes you leave when certain conversations come up. When things get negative, you leave. If you're no longer, say, a drinker or doing certain things when the alcohol comes out, that's when you decide to say, all right, family is a good time. Seeing you. The family reunion. I'm going to get no going now. And so I invite you to create your own boundaries. And you can even do those in your household as well. Decide what you are and are not going to partake in. And those are things I've had to do regularly over the course of my life. Just because I've known someone for a long time doesn't necessarily mean I need to keep consistently interacting with them. I think the more we keep toxic relationships in our life, it doesn't allow those positive relationships to come into our lives. So be willing to have the conversation. You might be surprised. Even if it doesn't go well, you're going to grow from that conversation. And then I invite you to set boundaries again. Identify those communities where you are going to get what you want.

Yeah. And you know, it takes courage to have that conversation, but it can be life changing. And so I think that's such a good start to really have that tough conversation. And you know what, it may not go the way that you want, but you know what, it does build your confidence because it makes you realize that you are standing in your power and you are requesting and asking, would you be open to doing that? So I love your wording for that. Okay, I know we're almost out of time, so I just want to ask a couple more questions. First of all, what is your definition of success?

Oh, wow, definitely. That's a great question. My definition of success is because you are so.

I mean, you've achieved so much success in your life from a young age and all the different things that you have done on TV and I mean you would walk down the street and have people asking for your autograph. You've been on some of the biggest stages. Your podcast is like huge. Four books. I mean, you are so successful. And so it made me really curious to know, what is your definition of success?

This is going to be a broad answer, but I found that I look at success like this. There was a time in my life and periodically I go there and have to catch myself where I live my life based on my emotions and the ebbs and flows of those emotions, whether that was sadness, whether that was fear, whether that was excitement, whether that was anger, and I could find myself always, like riding a roller coaster. And those emotions are all valid, they're okay. But it can also be exhausting. I think success for me is when I live my life based on standards and values that I have for myself. So even if I have some wild things going in my life that have my emotions going whatever direction, that I don't allow that to dictate how I show up based on my standards and values, how that allows me to show up with my work, how that allows me to show up with my wife, how that allows me to show up with my kids. And if there's anything I'm trying to impart with my kids, four 5 year old twins now to raise them to be quote unquote successful. And that is being willing to have standards, being willing to have values, and even when it's rainy outside, knowing that that can't dictate how you choose to show up. So for me, that's success. Standing by those values and standards.

Oh, that is so impactful. I mean, and that's something that I was just talking to my 25. My oldest daughter is 25, and she was really overwhelmed. She just got accepted to Yale, which I'm like, she's the hardest worker. She's incredible. She's so smart. I'm so proud of her. But it's a lot. And I was just talking to her about really knowing your values, your standards, and what are your non negotiables so that you don't get thrown off or pulled in a million different directions. What are some of your non negotiables?

Oh, good question. Some of my non negotiables. One is family time. There are certain days of the week that regardless of what's going on in Los Angeles, and as you know, during normal times, there's a lot going on in Los Angeles that's non negotiable. The days that I have scheduled for that meditation, that's non negotiable. If I don't meditate, it's always like around 11am I'm like, something's wrong. And I'm like, oh, right, you didn't meditate today. So I'll make that happen. A non negotiable for me, you'll appreciate this one is sweating. Like this morning I was up early. Had to make sure that happened. I'm a former collegiate athlete and I go crazy if I don't sweat. And I'll say, another non negotiable for me is education. As I mentioned earlier, every single day I want to learn something. And for me, that could be a podcast, that could be an audiobook, or just reading 10 pages of a book. So a few of those are my non negotiables that I know if I do those on a daily basis, even the bare minimum of those things, odds are it may not be a great day, but it's going to be a good day. If I sweat, if I meditate, if I educate and I connect with people, things will go well.

Oh, I couldn't agree more. I'm the same. And in fact, you know, now I tell my husband, my daughter, I'm like, I need to go work out. I'm going to be a nicer mama if I go work out. So, and you know, it's easy. Sometimes I will go, oh my gosh, it's been two days. I did not move my body like I usually do in two days. And I start to feel it mentally, I don't do as well. And I actually had A therapist one time tell me I was really struggling with postpartum depression and I'd had a cesarean. And I said to her, I said, well, I know if I can just work out, I'll be okay. She goes, well, then you need to be on antidepressants, because that's not normal to have to work out. I left there crying and I called my husband. I said, well, I'm crazy. She told me I'm crazy and I need to be on antidepressants. But I never went back to her and I started working out. And so I love your non negotiables, and that's one of the questions I had to ask. I just love all that you share. We're close, so we could see each other in person sometime. I'd love to meet your family and your twins. Can you share with everybody where they can find your book, where they can find you? And by the way, y' all follow him on Instagram too, now. I don't think I'll ever be able to look at the number seven and not think of you, by the way.

Oh, that's funny. Well, I can't thank you enough for having me on. For folks that want to learn more about me, you can go to my website, the. The Antonio Nevs. The Antonio Neves. The social media hand handle is also the Antonio Nevs. And the information on the book and everything is there and it loves. I'd love to connect with folks. Your community is amazing. I love going to your Instagram page and seeing the love and the encouragement that not only you give to people, but that people leave in the comments as well. So I look forward to meeting some of you.

Oh, thank you. And yes, y'. All. I mean, you've got your book. Lewis Howes, Marie Forleo. Elaine. I don't know. Elaine Weatherhall Welteroff Wetheroth. Who? I don't know.

Elaine Welteroth is amazing. New York Times bestselling author of a book called More Than Enough that you would absolutely enjoy. Former editor in chief of Teen Vogue, a judge on one of the big fashion shows on television. She's everywhere. She's amazing.

Wow. And then John Gordon also.

Yeah, John's a good friend of mine. He's.

I love John and his wife Catherine

and Ally for a long time.

Yeah, he's amazing. He's amazing. Actually, I have their book Relationship Grit right over. Right over here. They've been on the podcast, too. But, I mean, you've got some huge people that are, like, vetting your book. For you. And I'm just. Like I said, I don't usually go on and on about somebody's book, but it was really that good and I couldn't put it down. And I'm just so grateful for you to be on the show. Thank you so much for being here. And I can't wait to see you in real life soon.

I can't wait, Ivan. It's going to be exciting. We're going to get an explosive photo and share the community with a lot of smiles. Maybe we'll get a workout in together, too.

You know what? Let's do that. I want to do that. Let's do that.

That'd be perfect. My wife would love it. Well, I can look forward to meeting your handsome husband.

Oh, thank you. Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Britain Grace Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends. That would help, too. If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to Amberly Law and jump on it. While you're there, you can grab a free downloadable gratitude journal. And you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in and we'll see you next week.

Sam.