Journey to Self-Love with Natalie James

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert and best selling author. Each week I'll dive deep with the world's brightest thought and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace.

Hi and welcome to another episode of True Grit and Grace. I'm Amberly. I'm so happy that that you're here. My next guest is an entrepreneur. She's a wife and mama of three. She is the owner and CEO of Toronto's most exclusive dry bar. And if you could see her sitting here, you would be able to tell that because she's gorgeous. It's called Vent Blow Dry. She's passionate about empowering women to look and feel their best. But I really was anxious to have her on the show because she has really gone through some transformation and I would love to share her struggles to success so that you know that anything is possible. Welcome to the show.

Natalie James, thank you so much for having me.

Thank you for being here. You know, we talked a little bit before we even started the podcast and we have so much in common. Although our journeys aren't exactly the same, you have had something similar and carried around a lot of shame with you for a long time and didn't feel so comfortable in your skin. Can you talk a little bit about how you were little and you were born with? Did doctors call it a certain thing or was it you just born with a deformity or what was it? Did the doctors know?

Well, this was quite some time ago when I was first born. I was very small and initially I think there was some evidence that there was something wrong. But it wasn't until I started to grow that my parents realized that there was something not right. So after visiting doctors many, many times, they realized that what was happening was my body was growing. My right side and my left side were growing at two different rates. And it wasn't until much later when doctors gave it a name, initially they didn't know and when they didn't know what it was, they also didn't know if there was any way to treat it. So, long story short is it is called hemihyperplasia and mine is right side isolated, which means it affected the right side of my body only. So Everything from my neck down on the right side is larger than the left.

And you sent me a baby picture, and you can see the difference. And I saw a little girl at the ice cream shop down the street, and it looked exactly like this little girl. And I was telling you, oh, I just saw a little girl that looked just like your baby picture that you sent. And you said you've never met anyone with this before. You've never met anyone. It's that rare?

Yeah, it is that rare. And it can kind of display itself in different ways. So sometimes it could be half of the face or it can be one limb or just a certain part of the body that is like hypergrowth, I guess, is what you would look at it as. For me, again, it was everything from the neck down. So it's almost like you took two bodies and fused them together.

Well, that's what this little girl looked like. The one side of her body was small. The other side looked like a different body.

And that's essentially what it is. Yes.

And how old were you when you started to realize, okay, I don't look like the other kids. And how did that affect you mentally?

Yes, truthfully, I did everything that all little kids do, and I think it was probably in part, by the way my parents viewed it, and they just kind of let me be a little kid, and I did all the things that really didn't hold me back. Now it did start to get worse, and I think it was probably around the age of 9 or 10, not far from the age my daughter is now, where other kids started to notice it.

See, that is the age. Right? See, my youngest daughter's 11, and I'm having flashbacks from when my oldest daughter was that age. And that's the age when I'm noticing they're starting to be kids that maybe aren't so nice, kids that are like, oh, you can't sit with us at lunch. That sort of mean girl type stuff. And it drives me crazy.

It's so true. It's so true. And that was really when I became aware of it because I had a limp. You can see from the photo, it was pretty significant. And then kids started to notice and pointed out and bullying started to happen. And I know now it comes from just a lack of awareness and because nobody else looked like me. And so that kind of triggered this whole, you know, journey back to the specialist because I was desperate for a fix, for a magic cure. I thought, you know, I just held these doctors in such high regardless, and I thought, you know, what they do amazing things. They're going to fix me. And I had such high expectations. And then I think leading up to that, I went into the doctor and this is where everything kind of changed for me. The doctor looked at me and he said, you know, we don't know what this is. We don't know how to fix it. We don't know when this will stop or if this will ever stop, if the right side will ever stop growing. Now they did identify that my spine was really becoming curved and that was causing me significant pain and I guess a long term thing that we would have to revisit. But they said, you know what, we have to wait until you stop growing and then we'll reassess what we do from there. But he said, you know, just look at the bright side. You're a pretty girl and it didn't affect your face. And those words, I took them and allowed them to set the trajectory for my life from that point forward. Really did is I took that to mean hide your body and only show your face.

Yeah, I mean, when you said that to me, my heart sank a little bit because, yes, you are a beautiful, beautiful lady. I would look at you and I would never imagine that you had any kind of deformity. You hide it well. But that is when, you know, see, for me, everything changed for me when a doctor put my scarred leg in his lap and he looked at it like it was a masterpiece. And that's what changed the way I started to look at my own leg. Because at that point on I said, well, if he can look at it like it is, wow, look at what he saved. Because I had a 1% chance of saving my leg. And he did it, he put it back together. So he looked at it as like, wow, look at this leg. And I hated it. But from that moment on I was like, if he can look at it that way, maybe I can learn to look at it that way too. So it's amazing the power of what someone that you respect, what they say to you, what that can do to how you view yourself, how you view the world for the rest of your life.

Yes.

What did you do after that?

You know, I became very self conscious. I had a lot of shame and I think and shame is heavy. Oh, it's heavy. And I thought, you know, why me? Why, why was I given this curse? And I found that it really did a lot to my self esteem and I just started to cover it up. It was easier to cover it up. Nobody was pointing, nobody was Asking. And I could just pretend that I was normal. Normal because you won. Oh, my gosh.

I did the same thing. I remember when my youngest daughter was starting preschool, and I was on and off crutches still. And I remember thinking, well, I'm going to wear jeans, and I'm going to try my hardest not to walk into that school and not limp so none of the other moms will know that something's wrong with me. And I remember one day I went to pick her up, and I was hurting so bad I couldn't walk. And I had my oldest daughter go in to get her, and the teacher wouldn't let my youngest daughter leave. I had to go in, so I had to walk in with my crutches. And I remember being filled with shame, like something's wrong with me. I'm never going to be normal. And that feeling is horrible. It feels like you're in prison.

Yeah, it really does. And I didn't really fully appreciate how deep this was going and how long I would carry this for. It almost became second nature that there was just no other alternative.

Well, you said something really interesting before we even started. You said you even hid it from your husband.

Yeah.

You are good girl.

You are a master. I became a master in disguise. Yes. So I did have a surgery when I graduated high school because the curvature of my spine and all of these just, like, stress on my organs and everything was just so intense. So they determined that I had stopped growing and that it wasn't going to get any worse. From that point forward, I had a very, very invasive surgery where they intentionally break the lower part of your leg. They attach these braces around it and some bicycle spokes kind of through the bones. And then four times a day, I had to turn these knobs and essentially stretched my leg to lengthen it. And this was the better part of a year where I was bedridden, and it was the worst time of my life. It was so dark. I just thought, you know what? It can't get worse than this.

Well, how did you get through that mentally? How did you get through every day?

You know what I think I just. Through all the things, I think you navigate these struggles and loss, but while you're doing that, you're just building this grit and resilience at the very same time. And, I don't know, cranking a thing

on your leg to make it grow. That is grit, girl.

Yeah, it pulled it apart. And then it took a year for that bone to grow back to fill in. And, yeah, it was pretty devastating. And it was some intense physiotherapy, just basically to learn how to walk again. And I think, you know what? I still continued to hide it, although my limp was better and the curvature wasn't quite the same, but I could still cover it with clothing. And it was mostly my legs where it was most visible, though it. Everything from my fingers to my toes, it's everything. My legs were what really bothered me the most. You know, as a woman, you want to be able to wear skirts. Clothing, skirts. I didn't wear any of that.

I get it. I totally get it. Because I had a doctor tell me, well, you'll never wear shorts again. He told me that you'll never wear shorts again. He said, you'll never run again. But I used that moment as one of my most motivating moments to prove to myself and him a little bit. I'm not gonna lie. I would wear shorts and I would run again. And I think we have to be our own advocate a lot of times and just really listen to our. I got off the phone with a friend of mine yesterday, and she's having a spinal procedure on her back. And she said, yeah, well, I had a friend tell me that, you know, I shouldn't drive for two weeks. And I said, well, you should ask your doctor. I said, because if you can't go anywhere for two weeks, I said, mentally, that might not be so good for you. So ask your doctor. Do your research and listen to your heart and your body.

And I think that's what happened for me over time. As much as I was struggling, I was just building this resilience and this grit, and I knew that I was made for more. I knew that this wasn't the life I was meant to live. And yes, I did hide it from my husband, because I think our subconscious mind has so much power, and we just believe the things we tell ourselves we do. I won't be accepted. Nobody's going to understand this. And I think I just got to the point, and maybe it was, you know, I had kids and a husband, and it was just. Everything seemed so great, But I was still holding myself back from this one thing, and it really did hold me back in a lot of ways. I thought, you know, I didn't want the spotlight, I didn't want attention, but yet I wanted to do so much with my life, and I think I just got to the point where I could not hold it in anymore, and I let it out. And honestly, from that point forward, it has just changed Everything

I was gonna say, you must feel free. And how long has it been? Because I know you started your.

My blow dry bar. Yeah.

In 2017, right?

Yes. Yes.

Is that when you started to tell

people, like, what was going on or

how long ago was it that you started to admit that, hey, you know, there's something that I didn't tell you, by the way. Was that hard to tell your husband? By the way, we've been married. But there's this one thing I kind of forgot to tell you. What did he think about that? Was he. Was he supportive?

Oh, so supportive. And honestly, he's been so supportive of me sharing my story, and he was surprised because, you know, he's like, how did you hide this from me? It made sense in a lot of ways. You know, like, I was very, very careful about how I, you know, certain angles I would stand or what. You know, I got really, really creative. And I still have to catch myself because it's, like, ingrained in me. And that's just, you know, telling him and then eventually telling, you know, my extended family and my friends. Because when I was young and all my friends knew about this, I didn't want that. I wanted to start over. So I changed schools, and I created a whole new life for myself in grade seven.

And that's how you survived.

That is how I survived, but that's

not how I survived.

Right. Yeah.

And so now you are thriving, and there's such a difference in that. Surviving versus thriving.

Yeah. Yeah. And I truly believe that through this time, I found so much comfort through hair and makeup. That was how I expressed myself. It's when I felt my most confident and really has translated into the business that I have created now. I wanted it to be an experience that women could feel empowered and just let go of all the things we're holding onto.

And it is so, so different when you have your hair done. It makes all the difference in the world.

Yeah.

You know, it does give you confidence.

It really does. And I see clients come in all the time, and they're carrying heavy things. I think as women, we are busier than ever. We put a lot of pressure on ourselves. And to just be able to give them that time back to themselves and have them feel beautiful and empowered and leave with a skip in their step, that is just so rewarding.

Yeah. And I think now there's so many women that are entrepreneurs and they're moms, and they are, you know, doing so much and doing most of the chores at home. Statistics say they do 70% of the chores at home. So it's still not quite divided up. In fact, my husband just told me he just retired, and he was like, you know what? You've better slow down because I am not doing your laundry all the time for you. And I was like, honey, keep doing the laundry. I have to go do an interview. So I'm teaching him well. But I think that something you said, that your outlet and your passion, you went to hair and makeup, and that made you feel good. For me, the trauma that I went through as a child, I had athletics and dance, and I think it's really important when you go through a trauma, because we all have traumas, whether big or small.

Yes.

And I think it's so important to have an outlet and look, if we don't. Like, my little brother didn't really have an outlet, and he's in jail, unfortunately, you know, and I went down that road. I went down a path that was very, very dark and lonely and isolated. Because I think that when we're in any kind of pain, whether it's emotional or physical, for me, I didn't want anybody to know about it like you. I was like, I'm just gonna hide this. I don't want anybody to know that I'm okay. I'm gonna suck it up. And that only got me so far. And it wasn't until I started opening up and saying, hey, I need help. Something's wrong. I'm not doing so good. So anybody that's listening today, if you are struggling, there's somebody out there that is going through the same thing. I guarantee you there's somebody out there that is struggling, and you're not alone. And so it helps so much just to reach out for help. When you started telling your friends that, you know, hey, I just wanted to let you know, I think I'm going to do something different. I've had a successful career for a long time, but now I'm going to follow my passion because this is what I've lived with for my life, my whole life. What did friends say? Were they surprised?

There was a lot of people that were surprised 100%. And I think that's normal. I don't know. I think, you know, people see what they see on the outside. They say, oh, a successful career. And why would you leave that to start something brand new? You know what? I was approaching 40, and my mindset was just changing. It was, we get one life, and it can change at any moment, and you have to just do the things you want to do in this life. And I felt that I was being held back for so long that I just wanted to do all of the things that my heart were calling me to do.

I love it. And I think the truth, that saying the truth will set you free, it is so true. And we never know what's going to happen. We're only guaranteed this moment right now. We get one chance at this life. And so, yeah, I think go for it. You're never too old. You know, I'm approaching 50, and I'm like, I'm just start. My career's just starting to build. I'm almost 50. And so I think that anything is possible. Whether you're 20, 30, 40, 50. Follow your heart. Go for it.

Yes. And I honestly never imagined, although I was sharing my truth with friends and family when I started my business, I never imagined that it would be relevant in this journey. And it has been so enlightening. And I honestly feel like this journey of entrepreneurship has really saved me in a lot of ways. It has given me this platform to speak. And I feel that my mission and my purpose is so crystal clear that I am meant to share this for that little girl that you saw in the ice cream shop. Somebody somewhere is going through this. And for me, I didn't have anybody. There was nobody like me. And there was moments in my life when I wished that. And this is going to sound really crazy, but I wish, you know, I would lose a leg because people can understand that and they know there would be a community of people that I could resonate with. Right. So if anyone hears this and they. They can take anything from it, I just hope that it helps one person. Yeah.

Well, I also understand a deeper level of if you just wanted your leg amputated, because I fought so hard to keep my leg, and then it gave me so much pain with this nerve disease that I actually went to the doctor and said. I was in tears and I said, can you just go ahead and cut it off? We can't do that. You'll still have the nerve disease. We can't do that. It might make it worse. So I thought that, like, you thought that was your solution. I thought, why? I have the solution. I'll just cut my leg off. And when they said, that's not a solution, I was yet devastated again. Okay. But that's when I thought, okay, I have a choice. I can let this bring me down and define me, or I can do something to make the best out of my situation and let it transform me. And it Sounds like you did exactly that. And now you're helping so many women feel empowered and comfortable in their own skin and feel beautiful and feel treasured. And I think a big thing that, you know, we need to do more of as women is just that self care to take care of ourselves. For me, it's almost like I have to give myself permission to. It's okay that I take a break when it shouldn't be permission to do that. It should be. This is a necessity.

Yes, I agree. I agree. And I think there is a shift happening. I think, and I truly believe that this is just the right time for me in sharing this. I don't know that I was ready all those years ago. I think we walk through things in life and I think we end up exactly where we're supposed to be in the end. And for me, that is to share my truth and to help others and empower others in any way that I can, much like you're doing. And I'm just very grateful for people like you and others who are doing the same because I didn't have that growing up. And I think it's just so important that we change the narrative.

How did you start to change the narrative? Because for so long you were hiding and you were in shame. How did you start to change the narrative with your mindset to have some self acceptance?

Yeah, it was a journey. It didn't happen overnight. It was something that I think, like I said, as you're struggling, you're building this resilience and this grit. And I knew that I was deep down a very confident, driven person and I was suffocating in this. I think I just got so exhausted by it and so tired by it and I didn't care. I thought, you know what? My people are my people. And at the end of the day, that's all I need. And I mean, of course you think that the ground's going to open up and swallow you when you kind of come out with this, but it doesn't. And it is so freeing. And once, you know, you just share it a little bit and you realize that it allows you to share it even more. And I think that's why now I just feel like this is my purpose. I was given this for a reason.

Well, do you share it on social media? Do you have anybody that has reached out to you that has the same. Is it a deformity or.

It is a disorder. Disorder causes a deformity.

A disorder that causes a deformity.

I mean, it's a disorder. I don't know the proper terminology, but I definitely have a deformity. It is something I was born with and that's really all I know. It is still very limited information out there.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I know that for me, once I accepted that I was diagnosed with CRPS and I started to slowly talk about it on social media is when I found my tribe. And I love this community of people because we can be stronger together. And you know, when I feel down, I can lean in on my community and then I can be right back. I can be of service and I can reach my hand out to them. So I really applaud you for stepping out and for all that you've done. Now you've got this booming business that is the top blowout bar in Toronto. Congratulations on that. And you managed to do all of that and be a mama and wife. Do you believe in creating balance or how do you create balance in your life?

Oh, this is asked of me so often and I think, I don't know if there's such thing as balance really. I think that we just do our best to be where we need to be. And I think also I'm setting such an example for my kids. My kids are older, My oldest is 17 and then I have a 14 year old and 11 year old. And I've involved them in this process. Process because I think it was such a transformation for me and it was an opportunity for them to learn. And I think, you know, my husband is so, so supportive. I mean I couldn't have done it without him but we managed to balance it together. He's always been, you know, a very hands on dad so that allows me to grow the business. But I am very mindful of the things that I need to be at. I'm very mindful of, you know, the time I am with my family to be very present. And I do spend a lot of time just working on myself because that's so important for my mindset, my mental health and not quite to the extent of you, but fitness is very important to me. It has allowed me to kind of work with my deformity and help to strengthen the one side and help the asymmetry kind of just balance that. So it is a lot of work to try and get it all fit together in the perfect balance. But you know what, sometimes I have it more figured out than others. But you know, we do.

It is. It's juggling act sometimes.

Yeah, yeah.

What would you say to people who don't necessarily have immediate family or A husband that is there to support them along the way. What suggestion would you make to them if they feel really alone in entrepreneurship

or in some sort of physical challenges?

Some sort of physical challenge or entrepreneurship for that matter?

Because I think. I think the answer. They're both hard, and I think the answer is very similar. I think finding a network of people who are supportive and who are going through similar things. Like you said, you have your tribe. I don't have my tribe for my, you know, disorder that I have, but I do have a very supportive tribe of friends and family. And there's a huge network of women in entrepreneurship that I have found that are just. I mean, have provided so much guidance and support throughout. And that's been really valuable to me.

Hey, I have one last question. What is your definition of resilience?

I think it is being able to take our struggles and find the lesson within it because there is something to be learned from everything. I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, but I believe that there is something to be learned from everything that we go through. And if we can see the good in some of those bad things, then that is what's going to build that resilience, to be able to navigate all of those tough times.

Oh, I love that. That was incredible. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your experience and your strength, your wisdom and your hope for others. So no matter what they're going through, they know that there is a way to transform their life and do what they love. Even if they feel like their circumstances have narrowed their possibilities, there's a way to find joy and thrive. So thank you so much.

Thank you so much. I appreciate it.

And I hope to visit you in Toronto. It is on my bucket list to visit Toronto, so I would love that.

Yes. Oh, I hope you do. I hope you do.

And how can people get in touch with you?

So Vent Blow Dry Bar is located in Toronto and we are on Instagram, Facebook at Vent Blow Dry Bar. And then myself, I spend all my time on Instagram and my handle is I'm Natalie James.

You are girl, you are powerful. Okay, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thanks so much for joining us this week on True Britain Grace Pop Podcast. If you like it, please rate it or share it with your friends. That would help too. If you're not yet on the newsletter list, come over to amberlylogo.com and jump on it. While you're there, you can grab a free downloadable gratitude journal. And you might just want to check out my book or even check out my monthly motivational membership. Thanks again for tuning in, and we'll see you next time.

Next week.