Achieve Next Level Success with Ben Newman

Thank you for tuning in to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I'm Amberly Lago and I'll be sharing inspirational stories of resilience and empowering ideas to elevate your business and your life, ignite your passion, and fuel your purpose. Welcome to the True Grit and Grace Podcast. I'm so grateful that you're here. I have a real treat for you today. Ben Newman is with us. He is a renowned speaker, podcast host of the Burn, a performance coach, and the Wall Street Journal best selling author. I've got. I've got his latest book right here. I can't wait to talk about it. Some of his clients include professional athletes in the NFL, PGA, NBA, UFC, and the NCAA. And he works with Fortune 500 companies around the world. He is a powerhouse of energy. He's authentic, engaging. He's known as the leader of the leaders and I can't wait to share all his amazing wisdom with you. So, Ben, welcome to the show.

Amberly, thank you so much. I greatly, greatly appreciate it. And you know, you highlighted so many things, but I've been through a lot of adversity and challenge just like you, and that's what's enabled me to have grit and perseverance and resilience. So I know that's why you and I are going to get along great. But that's the real story. You highlighted all the stuff you want people to hear, but I'm appreciative to spend time with you and your listeners. Thanks for having me.

Oh, well, thank you for being here. And yeah, I would actually like to talk a little bit about how you got into what you're doing. I mean, I actually found you. I saw you were doing this amazing event with some of my favorite people and some of our good friends, Heather Monahan, John Gordon, Ed Mylett, who I'm going to get to share the stage again with in January. And your event was incredible. But that's how I originally found you. And then I went to your Instagram page, continued fight. So y' all check him out. All his links are in the show notes. Make sure you check him out and I promise you, you will just be stuck on his Instagram scrolling through everything. But I reached out to you and you were so kind enough to, you know, read, you know, DM me back and talk with me. And we decided to do this podcast swap. But I really want to know how you got into what you're doing and became this incredible leader. Some of the things that you kind of overcame, as you know, and you were raised by a single mom. And some of the things, because I think sometime when we do look at the highlight reel of Instagram or social media, we're like, oh, they've just got it all figured out and they've had it easy, and that's why they're so successful. But not necessarily you. Can you take us back to some of the biggest challenges you have overcome and how that led you to where you are today?

Yes. I'm, I'm so thankful that you did find the Mental Toughness Forum. And I just. A little plug for you. Amberly has agreed. For all of Amberly's listeners that love her, she will be part of our Mental Toughness Forum for next year. So it's an event that we started this year. We'll host it again next August. And I just can't wait for you to share your story. You know, this year we knocked on the door of having 100,000 attendees worldwide virtually. And so I can't wait for everybody to hear your story next year. But as far as my story goes, before I share this, I just want to preface that everybody has a story. You know, everybody has a story of challenge and pain, sacrifice that you're currently making for somebody, or maybe sacrifice that was made for you. And I believe that those stories, dependent upon how we respond, define us in life. And for me, I had to grow up fast. Parents divorced when I was six months old. Never knew my parents together. And. And a handful of years later, my mother was diagnosed with a rare muscle disease called amyloidosis. And many individuals don't know what amyloidosis is. Amberly Even to this day, in 2022, there's still no cure for amyloidosis. And she was diagnosed in 1983. And my mother was told by the doctors in Boston there are only two hospitals in the United States treating the disease they shared with her. She was only the Second woman Under 40 years old they'd ever seen or heard of having the disease. And they gave my mother two to four years to live. Yet when she first received that diagnosis from Dr. Skinner in Boston, my mother actually took out an old blue ME notebook, maybe like some of you used to have in school, maybe yours was another color. And my mother would write and unleash her positive mental attitude into this book. And she would write, beat the statistics, beat the odds. Live with the disease that is chronic and fatal. Believe in yourself. Combat anything. Purpose in life. And Amberly, my mother was so intentional in how she led my brother and I, not only with her thoughts but with her action, I remember as a 7 year old boy when 24 hour nursing care came into the house, removed all of the belongings of my mother's TV room and replaced it with the makings of a hospital. We had 24 hour nursing care in our house. Yet every single night, without fail, my mother would come to the head of the dining room table, she'd look over to the right at my brother Drew, and she'd pan over to the left into my big brown eyes from her big brown eyes, and she would say, honey, how was your day at school? And I got the honey because I was the younger son. So I got to try to get you to laugh a little bit because I know a lot of people don't expect this when they see my resume in sports and all these things that I do. But, Amberly, I had to grow up fast. And the greatest champion of life I've ever known and the greatest lessons I've ever learned came from my mom, who 11 days before my eighth birthday, took the pen that she was writing within that journal and she passed it on to my brother and I to continue to write her story. And every day, that's what I fight for, is to continue to write my mother's story. But to encourage all of your listeners, right, to stay connected to their story and their fight and to recognize the pain they've been through as part of their story. And I choose to honor my mother with how I live every day. And I know for all of you listening, there's something, there's a burn inside of you that you can honor with how you show up every day.

Oh, my goodness. That just touches my heart. What an incredible, incredible lady role model your mom was. I'm curious, do you have a relationship with your dad?

My father had a multitude of issues which, you know, led to divorce when I was, you know, six months old. As I had mentioned, my father did move back into the house after my mother passed away. And that came with, you know, a whole slew of challenges that my mother faced that I now had to take on, you know, as a seven year old boy with my father. And, you know, there's a story that I shared, actually. Our dear friend John Gordon. I've been on his power of positive summit about six times. He's mentored me, led me to Christ in 2008, and John's mentored me since 2008. But I actually shared years ago a story on Let it Go. And there's all this pain from my relationship with my father and back in 2016, I made a choice, Amberly, and I said, I'm just going to let it go. And I shared with my dad, I said, you know, there's positives, there's negatives from our relationship, but I shared with my dad live on the phone. I said, dad, I said, I now recognize that everything that I've been through with you has made me the man that I am today. And I thank you, and I love you. And even though so much of it was painful and so much of it was challenging, and so much of it I still have to battle with today, there's things that have provided strength for me that it takes some pretty tough stuff to get me to waver or to lose track of a vision or goals to continue to move forward in a positive way. Way.

Yeah. I think that everything that we go through, sometimes we don't understand why we're going through those situations, but they do make us into the person that we're into today if we choose to turn those things into good. Because it's amazing how you can take two people who are raised complete, you know, in the same environment, but one person can go one direction, and one person can go into something that maybe isn't so great, like drugs or alcohol or those sort of things. You have. You are so disciplined, and you have such an incredible, you know, daily ritual routine that you do. Do you. Do you think that that is how you're able to do so many of the things and have such success that you have is because of your structured routines that you do?

This is a very nice way of framing that. I've got screws loose with some of the stuff that. That I do on a daily basis. Right on a little crazy.

Don't you get up at, like, three in the morning or something? Do you. Is it three in the morning?

Now you're. Now you're giving people. I'm telling you. See, now you're gonna let everybody know. I got screws loose.

So, first off, well, I definitely have screws loose. I mean, my husband's nickname for me is crazy, so I like it.

Hey, sometimes, Amberly, I think you have to be a little bit crazy. Crazy in order to be on the right track for living the life that you were destined to live. You know, if we're protecting ourselves and we're comfortable, you know, how are we ever going to grow? Now I say that. And yes, I do wake up very, very early. However, I. I don't want to scare anybody with the time that I wake up, nor would I Recommend to anybody, you know, the time that I wake up. However, I think it's important to recognize that in the crazy time that I wake up. So I wake up at 2:24 every day. But I want everybody to understand before

I knew something like that.

But I want everybody to understand why. Remember, I don't recommend it. Because of my work, I travel a lot. So we're in the middle of football season and when football season starts, I'm on a sideline with a college football team every single Saturday, except for two from now until the end of the year.

Wow.

And then on Sunday sometimes I'm traveling to see one of our NFL clients in addition to all of the corporate work that I do throughout the week. And so I travel a lot as a result of that. When I'm home, I made a decision years ago that I'm going to wake up early enough so that I can get my workout in, get my nutrition in, get my bible time in that I can get all of my information to our team assembled. Like I'm going to get all of my stuff done so that by by the time we get to 6am, which is typically when the pitter patter my kids feet, although now that they're 14 and 12, it's more of stomps than pitter patter. But when I hear my kids feet in our house, I want to be done with my routine because that's my kids time and I'm gone long enough. And I'm not saying for any other fathers or mothers out there that you shouldn't go work out in the morning, but I want to make sure that my stuff is done because I'm away enough. I don't want my kids waking up and having my wife say, oh well, daddy's at the gym or Daddy's here. So I choose to be up to wake my kids. This morning I woke up my kids and my wife is always so amazingly active and she's the greatest supporter ever, has never said no in 16 years of doing this work to a trip or anything. She's just an extraordinary human being to support what we do. But I like to wake up my kids and get their breakfast ready and get their water bottles ready for the day and drive them to school because Amberly, I don't get that much time. And so you better darn well believe that the time I get when we're very intentional with scheduling vacations and being intentional when I'm home and being intentional in my mornings, I'm going to use that time because we'll never get it back.

It's so true. And you're such a good dad. When I. I heard that you did that, I can't remember. It was, I think in one of your interviews, maybe it was on John Gordon's podcast. I'm not sure. But when I was stalking you, basically, I. I learned that you got up so. So that early. And I interviewed someone on my podcast and they have a company called 18 Summers. I don't know if you've ever heard of them. And it really made me think, you know, that's really what we get with our kids before they go off to college or they, you know. And so it made me really intentional about the time that I spend with my daughter. My oldest is in college now, so I love that you do that. So. But tell people, what time do you go to bed?

I typically go to bed right after dinner.

You do?

No, I'm kidding. I'm totally kidding.

I'm like, do you know? I'm like, that sounds good to me.

No, I usually, I go to bed when the kids go to bed. It's usually probably on average around 9:30. And, you know, sometimes if, you know, one of my clients is like, tonight, Monday Night Football, I've got clients playing for the Vikings and clients playing for the Eagles. So I'll stay up and watch the game. But, you know, typically I'll. I'll go to bed around 9:30 on average. And it's not a lot of sleep. My wife wants me to get some more sleep, but I've actually never required a lot of sleep, which has been a blessing. One day, maybe it'll catch up with me, but for now, I. God fuels me with the energy and I've got the passion to keep going.

Oh, I love it. And, and you also say a lot that champions distance themselves on Fridays. Can you tell us what that means?

Well, you know, a long time ago, I used to say that your success is not just about changing your habits. It's about changing the way that you think. And I think a lot of times people focus on, I'm going to work harder, right? I go and I hear somebody speak, I'm going to grind. I'm just going to do this. Yet you really have to be intentional with slowing down and thinking and paying attention to where are your areas for opportunity. And one of the greatest areas for opportunity is Fridays. You know, there are so many people, Amberly, they get the Friday and they're like, oh, I can't wait for it to be 5pm if you're, you know, an individual working a 9 to 5. I can't wait for the end of the day. I can't wait for the weekend. And as a result of that mindset, they actually choose to not do anything on Fridays other than talk about how excited they are for the weekend. And you leave all of this time that you're never going to get back where you could have been productive. And then you get to Saturday and you're frustrated about what you didn't do. Then you get the Sunday and you're terrified for Monday because you have regret that you didn't do what you were supposed to do. And there are far too many people who are living that way. So I've encouraged people. I've literally posted. It's probably going on seven, eight years now. Every Friday, I post champions create distance on Fridays. And champions recognize if Friday's a work day and I'm all, I take plenty of Fridays off vacations, things of that nature. But if Friday's a work day, then choose to work because you will create distance from the individuals who wait on the sideline, who have that weak mindset, who choose to not play the game on Friday. There's 52 Fridays in a year. Do you know how much time you're giving back to your future success? So I encourage you to take advantage of that time rather than giving it away. Stack those days on top of each other. Create that distance on Fridays and it'll create a different momentum for your life and for your work.

I love that. And I love that you talk about, you know, it is, for me, it is the grit, but it's also given ourselves some grace. Let's talk about balance. And do you believe in balance or not believe in life? Balance, work life, balance.

What do you think my answer is?

Well, I've stalked you a bit, so I know what your answer is.

So I'm going to be really direct. I just want to share with everybody. If this vein starts popping in my neck when I start. Start talking about things, that's passion. It's not me getting angry. It's just passion.

How is your passion?

There are too many coaches, there are too many leaders today that be. And I'm going to be. I'm going to hit some, some individuals square in between the eyes. And it's the reason why I have two coaches. It's why I read books every day, because I'm full, far from figuring it out. But I need people to keep me in check as well. So if I'm being direct with you remember, I'm not calling anybody out. You don't have to announce it to the world, but take it for what it's worth and maybe choose to change. There are far too many leaders and coaches that don't have balance because they tell themselves balance doesn't exist. And we have to remember that what you say goes out of your mouth, goes into your ears. That's what you believe and that's what drives your action. So if you say you can't have balance, I promise there are leaders listening to this who you don't work out enough. You don't pay attention to your nutrition, you're not spending enough time with your family, you're not being. And so the way you do one thing is the way you do everything. It's one of the greatest leadership lessons I learned from Coach Saban in all my years at Alabama. And so you have to remember that's the example for you. So if you don't believe in balance, you tell yourself, I don't have time to work out. You're not going to find time to work out yet. You're a leader for a reason because you have great capacity and you don't have to be a leader by title. Everybody is a leader. You're leading somebody. You're leading somebody with your example. And I encourage everybody, rather than listening to your self talk or making excuses, find what balance looks like for you. For me, it's having that strong morning routine. It's reading every day. It's putting my mind to the Bible every single day. It's being intentional with my family. It's doing the things that are intentional to. To drive revenue and impact in our business. It's doing things that are random acts of kindness for other people every day. So when you're. When you choose to be intentional, we call it a prize fighter day. When you choose to be intentional with your action on a daily basis, you can have balance. You can show up in multiple areas of your life and you can have a tremendous impact. But for those leaders who have been telling themselves that balance doesn't exist, or the coaches who say balance doesn't exist, I encourage you to stop being weak in your discipline. Challenge your own capacity, and you'll end up being a better leader and coach for it.

Yes.

Yes.

Can we just shout that off the rooftop? That is amazing. So, you know, I love that you talk so much about mental toughness and mindset. And I actually had some people for the first time. I had some haters that came out of the woodwork Because I was explaining, I was on the doctor's TV and I was talking about how you can get through pain. I get through pain because the nerve disease that I have, there's no cure yet. But I get through it with my mindset is one of the things that really helps me get through it and turn that pain to purpose. How would you teach somebody or what would you suggest to somebody to really start to develop that mental toughness and to work on their mindset so that they can get through hard things or pain or just the struggles of everyday life?

There's a quote that I love. I always like to share things that are relevant to the conversations and the people involved. And you recently being down in or moving down to Dallas, Texas, I was once in Dallas for a church service and it was on Sunday and it was Dr. Jack Graham at Prestonwood Church down in Dallas. And he shared with the audience that day. It was actually a tragic funeral that we were attending. He said, in life you have to doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs. Doubt your doubts and believe your beliefs. So I think so much of mental toughness is silencing that self talk, silencing the past communication that might speak to you, supporting your weakness rather than your strengths. And you just have to get up one more time than you've been knocked down. And you have to believe that you have it in you to continue to attack regardless of circumstance. And in addition to that, I think you have to be vulnerable and transparent to surround yourself with people who love you, who care about you, who will feed you the truth when you need to hear it. You know, as I mentioned, I have two coaches, and these aren't two coaches who smack me on the butt and say, great job. These are two coaches who challenge the hell out of me. And they say we're not going to pay attention to all the great things that you're doing. We're proud of you for those things. But let's make sure that we're staying focused on finding your edge in the details of your. Your areas to continue to grow. And I think when you show up that way, it's kind of an own it mentality and never finished mindset. That's when you really start to tap into your mental toughness because it's not easy. But when you start to show up that way every day, you realize that it's this constant pursuit. And when challenge comes your way, it's not going to stop your pursuit to figure out how great you can be.

Yeah, well, you know what? One of the Many things I really admire about you, you is that you are always learning to. You're, you're always learning, you're always growing, you're always challenging yourself. And you are so disciplined. And the people that you surround yourself with are legendary. And I love that you share that you have two coaches because I think a lot of people, they want to grow, they want to be successful, they want to be great leaders, but they aren't in investing in themselves a lot. They don't want to pay for a coach or the gym membership or even take the time to read a book. And I love that you share that you have two coaches. I too have a coach who I chose because I knew that he wasn't going to just pat me on the back and say, good job. I knew he was going to give it to me straight. And it's sometimes hard to hear, but it really helps. How did you go about like, if somebody want, they're like, okay, I'm ready, ready, ready to get a coach. First of all, could they coach with you? Tell us about any coaching programs that you have. Is that something they could do? And what do you think are some of the questions they should ask when they are thinking about getting a coach?

Well, anybody can always. We have a team of coaches. There are 16 coaches that are part of our network and our team of coaches. And I do coach individuals one on one. I do coaching in different group settings for organizations as well as a group called Uncommon Live. And people can learn it@Ben Newmancoaching.com you can email us questionsoachingen.net however, I would encourage everybody to forget about whether or not we can coach together. Certainly reach out if you'd like to, but for those people who you've never even started the process, just find that accountability partner. We've all said it. When you go to the gym, if Amberly and I go to the gym together, we're going to work out much harder together than we are by ourselves. Not that I'm not going to train hard by myself, but I'm going to work out different, right? Because I've got my accountability. I've got Amberly with me and she's going to push and challenge me and I'm going to push and challenge her. And so it's the same when it comes to coaching. So you can have an accountability partner at your office. It might be a colleague of yours and it costs you nothing and that colleague probably wants it and you know that you want it too. So figure out a way that maybe it's through daily behaviors, designing what it looks like to win every day, holding each other accountable, to show, showing up that way, embrace coaching that way. It doesn't have to be a paid coach. And then when timing is right, whether, I'm sure you all have friends who have coached with somebody, it doesn't have to be our organization. There's amazing coaching organizations that are out there. But ask the questions, do the research. Find those people who are going to care about you to support your highest level of growth. And at the end of the day, you've never turned on a game and seen a college team or your favorite professional team ever play a game without their coach. There's always a coach. The coach is never not there. And so if we grow up that way, why do we resist coaching when we become adults? You know, typically, it's because of the fear of the cost or the investment. Then find a way to do it for free. It doesn't have to cost you something. And then as you grow, maybe you choose to invest more dollars in that coaching to get to the that next level. But I would encourage everybody to find that accountability partner to start somewhere.

Oh, that's so good. And I, you know, I love that we have John and Katherine as mutual friends. How did you meet John Gordon?

So John and I met in San Antonio, Texas. He was actually the keynote speaker at an event that I was speaking at. And we met for about 20 minutes. We had a mutual friend, and after 20 minutes, I had to go somewhere else. And the next week, I receive a phone call and a random number on my cell phone. You know, typically I don't answer random numbers. This is 2008. But for some reason that day I answered the phone and there's John Gordon. And John's like, hey, Ben, it's John Gordon. I know we only met for 20 minutes. This may come out of left field. However, I wanted to share with you that after you left, I had a conversation with some of your friends, and they shared that you struggle in your relationship with God. Now, Amberly, I'm thinking to myself, what in the world? I met this guy for 20 minutes, and he's challenging my relationship with God. And sure enough, and I write about this in Uncommon Leadership, there's actually a chapter that's dedicated to John because he means so much to me and his influence on my life is still so great today in so many ways. But I remember John said to me, he said, I was born Jewish, just like you. I got bar mitzvah just like you. But I accepted Christ, and here's this daily prayer. And the daily prayer is actually in the book Uncommon Leadership. And it's God, what is my use for your purpose? And guide me towards that purpose. Jesus, if you are who you say you are, show me the signs. I'm open to receiving this if it is meant to be. And he said, you may think I'm crazy. I'm just going to encourage you to read that for 30 days, and whatever happens in your life happens. You can call me as often as you want to, or you can hang up this phone and say, I can't believe that guy just shared this with me. I'm never going to talk to him again. And sure enough, I started saying that prayer every single day. I've said it every single day since February of 2008. Every single day since February of 2008. So over 14 years, I've been sharing that prayer, and my son had yet to be born. So I was looking for a clear path for my son and his spirituality. My wife said, I'm staying out of this. She was born Christian. And sure enough, in less than 30 days, I accepted Christ. We now have a clear path for our children. And. And I've recognized that all the pain that I've endured in my life, I was never alone. There actually was the strength of Christ and God and influence in my life. And so I. I owe that all to John and forever indebted to him, and he remains an amazing mentor in my life. So that's a mentor. That's. In addition to the two coaches, I've got mentors like John and. And Ed Mylett, who pushed me and challenged me. So this is. You're finding out. I'm very high maintenance, Amberly. I need mentors. I need coaches.

I am right there with you. I'm the same. But. Well, and I need mentor, coach, therapist, and I've got a sponsor, too, so, you know, high maintenance, but. But, you know, and my husband keeps saying that my warranty's expired and he's about ready to trade me in, but he hasn't done so yet. He is stuck by my side. But, yeah, I love that you have John Gordon here in chapter two in your book, in him and his wife. They are such good people, and I think it's really important to have those mentors in our life. What would you say to someone who's at their lowest, who doesn't know? You talk a lot about the burn and that burn inside. Maybe it's somebody and they don't know what Their burn is how do you help them discover what their burn is or. And to keep moving when they're ready to give up.

Two things. First, one, I would say I would encourage you if you are struggling right now, you're in a season of significant challenge. Don't do this alone. You know, there's plenty of people who want to help you. There's so many different resources. Don't try to do this alone. Go to those loved ones who have always been there for you. And be honest, be vulnerable, be transparent. Get the help that you need because there are people to help you through it. If it's somebody who understands the concept of the burn. Right. A lot of coaches and speakers, they talk about why and purpose. But I believe in that burn, that underlying burn that ignites that why and purpose that causes you to be disciplined in your action, especially on the days you don't want to do it. If somebody struggles with, I don't know what that burn is, I always love asking them the question. Grab your future and bring it to today. And I want you to tell me what you see. And most people are not going to tell you, I don't see anything. Right. And so it kind of. It allows people to remove themselves from the current challenge, remove themselves from the current adversity and tell me what I see. I see that I'm going to be an amazing mom. I see that I'm going to be an amazing father. I see that I'm going to be an amazing husband. And if you're not married, now, we know what you're working towards, Right? So now we start to realize, okay, here are the things that we want. And then you can encourage somebody if you want those things. What do you need to do every day in order to get them? And so that's kind of a way to remove people from the emotion, focus on what they want. And a lot of times that ends up being the burn. Here's the life that I want one day. And when you think about that, then you're reminded, okay, if that's what I want. Not that my life is going to become easy, but I'm going to fight today if that's the story that I want to write one day.

Oh, that's so, so valuable for people to take themselves out of that situation and put themselves ahead and get disciplined every day to get. Oh, that's amazing. So I just want to make sure people can attend your event, they can coach with you if they want to reach out with you. Your. For your coaching community. You have so many books and y' all check out his podcast. I'm honored I get to be on his podcast. Tell people the best place to go find you and where they can maybe get to watch your see your podcast or get to attend your event.

The Mental Toughness Forum is something we'll now do every year. So mental toughnessforum.com if you want to check out Amberly next year in our entire amazing group of speakers, you can sign up there for next year's event. Ben NewmanCoaching.com is where we can learn out, learn more about the opportunity to work together and then Instagram, you're getting me every single day. So at continued fight, that's me actually sharing what's on my mind. So when it comes to videos and some of the technology stuff, our team will help me. But otherwise, when you see a post, that post comes from me. It's what's on my mind. The story that's me. You're getting me. It's the things that are on my mind to help you continue to fight and to write your story on your journey.

And you can tell it's from you too, just by the way you write. You can tell it comes from your heart and your passion. I love that you share that too. That people, it comes from you. So thank you so much for being on the podcast. It's just been, I've this is something I've been so excited, excited to be able to share your wisdom, your passion with my audience. You guys check out all the links are in the show notes and so you can find him easily. And I hope to see you at the Mental Toughness Forum soon. So yes, thank you so much Ben for being on the show.

Amberly, thank you so much for having me and great to be with you and all your listeners. Sa.