Embracing Sobriety: A Hangover-Free Lifestyle with Kate Bee

Welcome to True Grit and Grace, a podcast designed to empower you to claim your resilience and thrive through life's challenges. I am Amberly Lago, a mindset coach, fitness expert, and best selling author. Each week, I'll dive deep with the world's brightest leaders and elite performers to share tangible tools and practical advice to inspire you to keep your eyes on the prize and forge ahead. So get ready to conquer your fears, heal any trauma, lead with your heart, and elevate your life with grit and grace.

Hi and welcome back to the True Grit and Grace podcast. I really appreciate you being here. I'm grateful for y' all listening in today. I have a beautiful friend of mine, Kate B. She is a health and wellness expert. She has written a book called how to Go Alcohol Free. And she has founded the Sober School, which is helping thousands of people to recover and thrive in life and just live their best life possible. So welcome to the show, Kate. I'm so glad you're here.

Thank you. I'm so pleased to be here. I'm excited to talk to you.

Yes, I am so excited to connect with you, especially in these times. I'm not sure I hope that this coronavirus stuff is gone by the time this podcast is released, but today was my very first day. I don't even know if you realize this, but I'm also sober. Did you know that I'm sober?

No, I did not know that. That's amazing.

I just celebrated four years of sobriety over the weekend.

March.

Congratulations. Thank you. And one of the things that have been affected by with this coronavirus, and the only thing that really, really like, my daughter's school's closed. I'm like, big deal. You know, we can homeschool. I've had three of my speaking events that I'm traveling to. They're closed. I'm like, ah, big deal. Then they're like, there are no 12 step meetings. And I'm like, holy crap, what are we going to do? Because my sobriety is everything to me. Without my sobriety, I don't get to have the life that I have today. And I'm so, so grateful for it. And today I actually led a meeting through Zoom. And so it's amazing that technology allows us to connect because, you know, so many of us think, oh, technology, we're always looking down at phones, but now it allows us to connect. Can you? Because, and I know you connect with a lot of women through your online course and through your online platform and your Instagram platform, which you have so many followers and so many people that look to you for advice and to just learn from you. Can you please tell us a little bit about you and how you got to be the founder of the sober school?

Well, I mean, I came to this through my own experience, really. I am also sober. I'm coming up on seven years.

Congratulations.

Thank you. Yeah, I struggled with my drinking ever since I was a teenager, really right from the very beginning, I just drank a bit too much. I just loved it too much. But my problem was that I was always what I call a gray zone drinker. I never had a rock bottom. I never woke up in hospital or a prison cell. I never lost my job. I never got kicked out of where I live. All those cliched things that we think of happening to people who have a drink problem, that never happened to me. I was always able to keep the show on the road. It turned up for work. I made my life look pretty good from the outside, even though inside I was falling apart. That was most of my 20s, just struggling, wondering what was wrong with me. Feeling so scared to carry on drinking, but scared to quit. The problem for me was I kept looking around for help and looking around for people like me, and I couldn't find it. You touched on online communities and obviously we're seeing a massive explosion in that right now as people search for help online and look at ways to connect. But we've seen a massive growth in that over the past few years. And when I was looking for help, there was almost. There was next to nothing out there.

Well, seven years ago, Instagram wasn't even what it is today.

No, no, no, no.

There wasn't even that. And now. And also people didn't talk about sobriety or sober living or sober curious back seven years ago that I knew of, not many people talk about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We weren't having these kind of open conversations about alcohol free living, about sobriety, about mental health as well. I think that's changed for me. The thought that I needed to stop drinking felt very shameful indeed. I thought, all my friends are going to say, you don't need to stop drinking. You're not.

Well, all my friends did tell me that. Even my own husband told me. I said, I think I have a problem. I have a nerve disease. And I was drinking to try to cover up the pain. Like self medicating, to try to numb out the pain. And that worked for a little while. It worked until it didn't. But even my own husband was like, oh, you don't have a drinking problem. Nothing's wrong with you. Anybody would drink if they had to deal with the kind of pain and all that you've been through. Anybody would drink if they had to go through 34 surgeries. And the kind of person that he thought of as an alcoholic, I have to say, was those are the people that he arrested that were living on the street or everybody has their idea, including me, of what an alcoholic looked like. When a drinking problem, like you said, can be that gray area. It can be and it doesn't forms.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

And it can be very glamorized in the whole drinking.

And that's. I think what's quite confusing for a lot of people now is that alcohol is the most glamorized and romanticized drug on the planet. I mean, we're looking at people stocking up on stuff at the moment because of the coronavirus. Everyone's joking about stocking up on beer and wine. And what are we going to do if we run out? And you know, we don't laugh or joke about any other drug in quite the same way. Just to go back to my story, I found myself in this crazy place where it was like I didn't fit in anywhere and I was unhappy. Or as you talk about numbing out the physical pain, I was numbing out just a kind of inner low self esteem. I was a bit lonely. I moved around a lot for work. Felt like unsatisfied with life. A bottle of wine at the end of the day just seemed to take that away. And it worked and worked and worked until it just didn't work. And obviously looking back, I can see it was that drinking that was keeping me stuck in that place I didn't want to be rather than making it better. Yeah.

And I felt the same. I was trying to hold it all together on the outside and pretend like I was okay. And on the inside, I was dying. I was literally killing myself physically too. I mean, my liver enzymes were elevated. I was in the hospital, My kidneys were failing, I went septic. And it's a very torturous, slow way to punish. It was like I was punishing myself. I wasn't really medicating. It was a vicious cycle where I would think it would numb out the pain, but then the next day the pain would be even worse. Alcohol is an inflammatory and everything would be like inflamed for me anyway. It was like I was allergic to it a lot. You hear and read that alcohol is. Some people have an allergic, like an allergy to it. And I don't think it ever really affected me the way it does a normie. And for those of you listening who don't know what a normie is, that's somebody who can drink without having to have another drink and obsess about the next drink. They could just have one or have a glass. But I understand, for me, I thought I was so different. I thought that I wasn't like my brother who drank so much from the get go, and he's actually in Texas on death row. I have a lot of not yets. Well, that's not me yet. But who knows if it could have been, if I was going down the route that I was going. Because it doesn't discriminate and it's very sneaky. It's cunning and baffling.

Yeah. Yeah, absolutely.

Well, what was it with you that made you decide, this is not working. I need help? What did you do in that moment?

I didn't have this dramatic moment that made me stop, but I had little things that added up and added up. And in January 2013, I tried to do dry January, which is quite a big thing here. In the month of January, people stopped drinking, and I just couldn't do it. I'd always been able to stop for a month before if I really put my mind to it, but this time I just couldn't do it. I just couldn't manage my life and not drink. And that scared me because seeing all my other friends stop drinking, and for once it was actually socially acceptable not to be drinking, I couldn't do it. And I had a couple of months of just drinking really, really heavily and kind of out of control. And then in April of that year, I realized I had six months left of my 30s. I don't know what I was googling late one night and I was thinking, I've got to do something about this. And I came across this blog written by someone who sounded just like me. And it was the first time I really connected with someone's story and saw how much happier she was without alcohol. And she really gave me this idea that perhaps I didn't really know what sobriety was like because I hadn't stuck with it long enough. I was just doing those horrible first few days and weeks, and I wasn't really getting onto the good stuff. And it was enough to inspire me to try again. And I'm so glad I did because for, I don't know, it was just my moment. It stuck that time.

Yeah, that's amazing. And for me, it scared me too when I tried to stop. And I was like, well, there's no way I can live with all this pain and not have that because that's the only thing that touches my pain is to have that alcohol numb it out. How can I live with this much pain? I went to a 12 step program and it was the first time I connected with women who I heard them share. And I had hope that, same as you. I was like, oh, wow, they've been through not obviously the same thing, but something similar. And look at the life they have now. Then I had hope. And I think it's that hope that you get that allows you to keep taking it one day at a time and to keep taking one foot in front of the other and doing what you have to do. I was so desperate and so willing to do whatever it took to stay sober and get my life back. And that was really a changing point in my life when I was like, okay, I need help. And for me, first I had to admit that I needed help, which was so hard.

I can imagine.

Yeah, I was like, I don't want people to know that I need help. There was so much shame behind that.

Yeah, yeah, no, I completely agree. I think it's really interesting because we've had quite different paths to recovery because obviously you've gone to AA meetings, whereas.

Which we're not supposed to talk about.

Yeah, which we're not supposed to talk about.

Don't tell anybody.

No, whereas I tried them. Well, I tried them ages ago, maybe like 2008. Walked out convinced, oh, I'm fine. I'm nothing like these people, which is just like my own self delusion. And then after I'd stopped drinking, I did try and go again. And for various reasons, it was just hard for me to get there. I didn't quite connect with the people I met. I know enough now to understand that I had one experience of those meetings and other people have different experiences. But for those reasons, I started looking more and more for help online. And ultimately that's what inspired the sober school. And I quite often work with people who just for various reasons, literally cannot get to a meeting or they're so scared to go in their small town.

Even though, oh yeah, there's a lot of shame to admit that you have a problem. I remember the first time I ever walked into, you know, a recovery meeting that was scarier than anything I'd ever done. That was scarier than going through 34 surgeries because I was, I had never been like A big partier. I was a fitness coach. I had trainers that worked for me. I was all about health and wellness. And I had a problem. Well, it got worse when I'd stopped training clients because I had more time to drink. And that was really scary. But I was like, oh, wait, everybody here has the same problem. Everybody's here for the same reason. I don't have to be ashamed about it because everybody's here for the same exact reason. But I remember thinking, is someone gonna see me? And one of the first questions my husband asked is, was anyone there from the gym? And I'm like, anonymous. Like, no. Well, tell me, because now I think that a lot of people are going to be searching for your school, because we're at a time where people can't even go to a meeting, which is as long as I had known. And I haven't been sober that long, but this is the first time I've ever heard of this, that doors are shut, that people can't go to any kind of a meeting. So people are doing things online. Tell us about your school and what exactly you do to help people stay sober.

Yeah. So I have an online course that I run at set points during the year, and it's six weeks long with daily lessons, things like videos and exercises to do. And we have an online community where people can talk to each other. And it's really like taking people by the hand and guiding them through the first six weeks of sobriety with lots of, like, support and opportunities to get questions answered. And then even after the course finishes, we have kind of an ongoing community so people can stay connected.

And that's so important. Yeah.

Like, I strongly believe addiction really thrives when you're on your own, when you're isolated. We need community. We're wired for that connection. So that's a massive part of it is just showing the people taking part that you aren't on your own. Look at all these other people who feel exactly the same way. And of course, we also do loads of practical things as well, like how do you deal with the ups and downs of life, you know, sober and the things you used to drink over? And we're looking at introducing new coping mechanisms into their lives and looking at whether, you know, alcohol really has been that helpful, because I work with women, and they tend to be pretty driven people who are juggling busy home lives and work and they're drinking through stress. But actually, if you found this, when you really analyze alcohol and look at its role in your life, you can see how much it's destroying your stress.

Oh, my God. It's adding to it. Oh, it's adding to it. Things are so much easier without alcohol. And I thought what a blessing it is to be sober. Number one. Yeah, if I were drinking, I would be like, oh, my God, what if the market shut down? What if I can't get alcohol? Like, what a relief that I don't have to depend on that. And I think at this time, this is going to bring up a lot of feelings for people and have them take a look at some of the things that they do in their life, whether it's working for them or not, whether that's alcohol or whether that's bad habits, whether things that you do that you're not going to be able to do. And it's going to have people look within to connect with their souls and really listen to their heart and really look to see what their why is for. You know, why they're doing things, what's their purpose, what makes them truly happy, what inspires them, what sparks joy. So I think this is an interesting time and what a blessing it is that people could go and learn from you. But I am really curious because the big difference for me in getting sober was I was really numbed out. When you're numbing out with alcohol, for me, it wasn't just numbing out the physical pain. I was numbing out shame and emotional pain and trauma that I had not dealt with. And it had all kind of come up to the surface. So I was numbing out everything, which also numbed out my connection with others, which also numbed out my connection to a higher power. For me, it's God. One of the things I love is the connection I have with my higher power. And I feel like that's where I never feel alone. Because even now, when we're in our houses on lockdown, I never feel alone. No matter where I go, I'm like, okay, God's gonna walk in with me. Do you talk about higher power, God, universe in your school? What do you talk about?

I try and keep things a little more open because a lot of people definitely don't want to use the God word. I think that's maybe a reflection on the fact that in the UK we're perhaps a little less religious anyway. And so I don't want to exclude anyone who doesn't relate to that. But equally, I have some people who really totally get this idea of a higher power, whereas other people think of it as a kind of the universe has Their back or perhaps a figure from their past. You know, people interpret that in so many different ways. So I don't put as much focus on it as I think perhaps a 12 step program would do. But for some people, it's a reassuring focus of their life to know that there's a reason they're taking that action. There's a reason that they've been through the things they've been through. I think you do the best you can with the tools you've got. And then you know what? Sometimes things change and we up level and then we keep moving forward. There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Well, I grew up very religious. I grew up in the Bible belt of Texas. But I somehow didn't ever feel like I quite fit in. You know, I went to Sunday school every Sunday. You did not miss church. And we had the blue ribbon law, which you weren't allowed to shop for anything on Sundays that would allow you to work or play. It was like a day off, you know, you couldn't buy any work tools. You couldn't buy alcohol. Well, I grew up in a dry county anyway, so you had to drive pretty far just to get alcohol. But it was very religious. But I'm not really religious. I mean, my daughter goes to Catholic school, although we're not Catholic. But I like her school because it's very open. Anyone, any denomination can go to her school. And I think that it's very important for people to be educated in religion just to know. But I am a very spiritual person and I think there's a big difference between religion and, you know, being spiritual. And so I like the fact that in sobriety people can choose whether that's universe, nature, light, God, whatever they want to call it. I call it God, but I think that I have a friend that calls it frog. But it's fully reliant on God for F R O G, you know. So I think whatever works for you and whatever keeps you there sober, go for that. What are some of the other things that you do in your school in the six weeks?

We talk quite a lot about the root causes that might have driven someone's drinking. Because a lot of people come to the course absolutely convinced that they're just weak, terrible people. Whereas actually, I think most drinkers are incredibly strong because you have to be strong to drink a lot and recover and then make your life look perfectly normal on the outside.

It's a lot of work.

It is.

It's a lot of work. Can you imagine doing that, living with a Cop. That takes skill.

Yeah, you're taking it to the next level.

Yeah, I took it to the next level. That was some skill. Trying to hide that. Oh, good Lord. I hope my husband doesn't listen to this episode.

So we talk a lot about recovering from shame and low self esteem and perhaps some of the stories that we tell ourselves about, like, I used to really believe that I wasn't a very interesting person and I needed to drink in order to be more interesting, which is complete nonsense when you really break it down. And look at some of my closest friendships were made in scenarios where I wasn't drinking and all that stuff. I'm really passionate about looking at the issues underneath the surface and kind of

saying, stories we tell ourselves.

Yeah, the stories we tell ourselves. And also, what is it that's going on in our lives that needs us to use this substance every single night? Like, what changes can we make? For some people, it's going to be really scary changes. It might be the end of a relationship. They've got some really big stuff going on. But for other people, actually, it might be just like making some smaller changes in their life to make things a bit more manageable and asking for help. I think a lot of women have this kind of superhero complex right now. Like, we can do it all. And so we feel like we have to do it all. And that's massively stressful.

Yeah, it is true. I really believe that because it's like that old commercial, I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan. It's like, yes, exactly. Gosh, it's so true. Now it's like, we do, we bring home the bacon, we fry it up, we clean the house, we take care of the kids, we take care of our husbands, we do it all. And I think that that is a big trigger for a lot of women to go, oh, well, I deserve this. I need to unwind. And there are so many other ways to unwind. It's breaking the habit of doing that same thing. And it's the same thing with eating. Like, I've got clients that are like, I'm so good all throughout the day. But then when it comes to the end of the night, I've got no willpower. And I'm like, well, let's talk about what you're doing during the day and then what happens at night. And it's really taking a look at with when I think with any habit that you have or any goal that you have. Actually, it's not the goal that I look at so much is the habits that proceed the goal. So I do the exact same thing with my clients that you do in your sober school, which when somebody says, I have a goal, I got to lose 50 pounds, I'm like, well, let's take a look at your habits. What are you doing every day? Well, what's going to happen when you lose the 50 pounds? How are you going to feel? What are you gonna do? Let's focus on that. Well, what are you doing every day? And I actually have clients ride out. And I'm not a dietitian or anything. I've just been in the fitness and wellness industry for 22 years, and I've tried every kind of diet, nutritional plan out there, and I try everything that my clients do. I will try it along with them. But it's looking at what your daily habits are. So I've got a guy who came to me, ate really healthy all throughout the day, and every night he drank about eight beers. I had another client who ate really healthy all day and every night she had ice cream. So it's like looking at those habits and how can you change them and what they're stemming from? But I'm curious to know, what do you tell a person who does have a lot of shame and they're carrying around a lot of shame? How do you help them move through that?

Yeah, well, it's really about looking at, so what is the story behind that shame? So for some people, it is, I am this. This weak person, and I'm embarrassed that I'm not stronger. That's quite a common story, really. Why is it that other people can have just a few drinks and I can't? Like, why am I that person? They feel almost like a failure because they can't do it. And so a big part of my course is looking at, well, hang on a minute. Let's look at the reality of this situation, because we're talking about a drug here that is so normalized and glamorized and romanticized and often presented as a solution to all your problems. It would kind of be a miracle if you weren't attracted to it. In many ways, if you got addicted to smoking, we wouldn't shame you for that. We would just say, oh, well, that's what happens with addictive drugs. And so I believe that we shouldn't be shaming people for becoming addicted to alcohol. I think that's a normal thing to happen. It's normal to become addicted to addictive drugs, especially when they are so normalized and kind of pushed in your face a bit. So I think taking away that stigma is a massive relief and a release for people. Because then it's like, okay, well, maybe I'm not so weird and broken after all.

Do you think that that's getting better now? Do you think now that more people are speaking out about sobriety and stuff that that stigma is being broken? Or do you think we have a long way to go?

I think it's getting better in a big way, but we still have a long way to go, for sure. I think the whole sober curious movement has normalized the idea of maybe drinking less or not really being sober for very long periods of time.

You know, I didn't even know what that was. I went to do, you know there's a National Sober Day here in the United States now?

No, I didn't.

Yeah, there's a National Sober Day. So there's officially a day recognized as National Sober Day. And so one of my girlfriends who we actually connected on Instagram, and I was like, oh, I live in California, but she's from Texas. And she's tall. She's the same height as me. And she is into recovery, but she uses fitness for her recovery. And she told me that there was a big, like, annual first National Sober Day and it was gonna be near me, so she wanted to come stay out here, and we would go together. And I was like, yeah, let's go. So I went, and it was my first time meeting a lot of sober women. It was all women there. Well, there was a few men. There was a few brave men that were there, but it was mostly women. It was the first time I'd ever been to a big function like that where there were all kinds of sobriety from people who got sober without any 12 step program, which there's no way that would work for me. I tried to do that. It didn't work for me. Like, I needed a program. I still do. Still very active in a 12 step. And then there were sober curious. And so there was a lady sitting next to me. I asked her what she did to stay sober, and she goes, well, I'm sober curious. I'm like, well, what the heck is sober curious? Because I know you give me one drink, I want the next one, and the next one and the next one. There's nothing curious about it. I want it. I just. Give it to me now.

You're not curious? You already know?

Yeah, I was like, I know. So she goes, well, no, I just, you know, I just. I'm curious about it and I quit drinking. I'm like, well, how do you stay sober? And she goes, oh, well, I listen to podcasts and I work out. And I'm like, well, good for you, girl. That is awesome. But that wouldn't work for me. Like, I need more. I need a program. I need to be accountable to someone. One of the things that has kept me sober is I have an incredible sponsor. So if there's anybody listening today and you're wondering, if you're curious or if you're wondering, please reach out for help. That was the first thing I did that truly changed my life, was I reached out to somebody who I knew was a recovering alcoholic. I said, I need help. And so no matter what you are, if you're sober, curious, if you're struggling, if you're like, oh, no, I know I'm an alcoholic. Please reach out. Reach out. Reach out to me. Reach out to Kate. Reach out to someone today. But yeah, it was very interesting to meet. That was the first time I'd ever heard of sober curious. And now it's kind of like a cool thing to do is to say you're so curious.

I got really mixed feelings about it because on the whole, I think it's probably a good thing. It has made sobriety a bit cooler, bit more normalized, and we're just talking a lot more openly about not drinking. But I do worry sometimes that it presents this idea. You know, like some of us, we have tried to moderate our alcohol intake 100,000 times and it hasn't worked. And I do worry sometimes that it is kind of promoting moderation in a roundabout way, that you can be so precarious and make it work. It doesn't work for everybody. But hey, anything that gets people talking about not drinking and making it more normalized is probably a good thing.

Yeah, I agree, I agree. But yeah, I was like, oh, maybe next year for National Sober Day, maybe you can come out to California and go to the event with us.

Yeah, I would love that. I had no idea there was such a day. So, yeah,

I would love for people to be able to find your book. Can you tell us a little bit about your book?

So I wrote a book. It came out just at the end of last year. It's called how to go alcohol free 100 tips for a Sober Life. Yeah, I was just so excited to get to write this book. It's quite a small one. It's 100, like bite sized tips in it. And it is for anyone who is new on this alcohol free journey or who is maybe a bit worried about their drinking and is thinking about, okay, what's the next thing I can do? This would support you in taking a break for a while. Just giving you lots of tips and different ways to look at things. But I've also had, you know, some of the women I've worked with who are years sober now have read it and said, oh, I love this. This is a great reminder of all the basics and, you know, some of the stuff I'm not doing now. Yeah, I know my course isn't for everybody. Like I said, I only work with women. So it's great to write this book and kind of get it out there. It's on Amazon and it's obviously there for everybody. Oh, thank you.

And I will have links for your website and the sober school in the show notes. So if you're listening right now, check out the show notes and to find Kate, but tell us the best place to find you. Where do you hang out?

Most probably I'm on Instagram these days. I'm just hesoberschool on Instagram because the thing I love about that platform is you can really make it a little safe bubble for yourself. You know, just follow the accounts. You want to make sure you get a dose of daily positive inspiration in your feed. I'm quite picky about that. Instagram is a place where social media can really be a force for good.

I agree. It's really changed my life and I've been able to connect with some of the most amazing people like you. And then there's one question I ask all my guests. What is your definition of resilience?

For me, resilience is about being able to come back in some way. You know, you might get metaphorically run over, you might have your bad days, you get knocked down, but you don't give up. You make a comeback and you try again. You can kind of see the. What's that phrase when you can't see the wood for the trees? It's about having that higher level perspective where you can say, okay, I just got a little bit lost on this path right now, but I'm still moving forward and I'm going to get to my goal. It's that higher level thinking. Yeah. Just not giving up.

I love that it's one day at a time, one foot in front of the other, and we keep moving forward. I just want to thank you for being here, being on, and I can't wait to share this episode.

Oh, thank you so much for having me. And it was so lovely to chat about all things sobriety and to connect during this strange time where we need connection more than ever.

Yes. Thank you so much and please keep in touch. And when it's safe to fly again, come visit.

I will as soon as I'm allowed.

Okay, thank you. Be well.

Thank you so much for joining us this week on the True Grit and Grace podcast. Don't forget to hit that subscribe button and it would be so awesome if you rated and maybe left a review. That would help too. And also, I have some exciting news for you. If you are ready to learn a mindset that will get you through any challenge, ready to really transform any limiting beliefs, and finally find the wellness routines that work with your lifestyle and keep your body healthy and thriving, you're in the right place. You're hearing this for all the right reasons, because it's your chance, your chance to join. Right now. It's a 12 week course. It's so much fun because we're going to go live in a webinar with plenty of time for Q and A. It's called you'd Unstoppable Life Mastermind. And there's going to be a daily mantra and a like minded community to support you along your way to reach all those goals. So head over to amberly lago.com forward/mastermind and sign up now. Okay. Have a great week and I hope to see you in the Mastermind.